Aftermath

So, the deed is done! I ended it on November third. G took it horribly and we spent a frustrating stressful week trying to come to some sort of understanding. I expected it to go poorly, but not that poorly. If I hadn’t acted quickly and alerted his two best friends, he would’ve been IN Strasbourg by the next day. One took his passport. I eventually convinced him, with a friend’s help, to unbook the flight. He was begging me to reconsider the break-up, to try to work on this, to not give up on us, etc etc. I knew I was making the right decision. He cried so much. Eventually I realized Skype videos were counterproductive. He ended up taking the end of the week off, going home, talking to his family, getting taken to the hospital because he couldn’t eat, and then going to a psychologist. By the end of the week, after he’d continued to write on my wall, put how “i’d always have a piece of his heart” in his status, put something similar on msn, and sent me numerous emails, fb msgs, and texts on my cell, I stopped responding to even the few I’d been responding to. My tone had gone from apologetic, to semi-sympathetic, to tolerant, to curt, to frustrated, to angry. I told him that this wasn’t helping anything.

The week had been extremely difficult on me. Of course it was more difficult on him, but I just don’t experience lows like that, I never have. So what I was experiencing was a low, for me. I never want to have to go through that, it was awful. He eventually sent me an email saying how he was sorry, how he would try to get over me, how he hoped we could be friends, etc. I cried so much over this email! I think then, for me, it was really the end. He’d finally accepted it. It was what I wanted, but it was still hard. I loved this guy. And now we were over. I cried in the caf with a friend that day, M. I don’t cry in public like that, unless I’m at a movie or something. I msged Shannon later, because she’s cried in the cafeteria at home over stressful situations, and we had a little laugh over it.

After a week of not communicating, I msged with a tiny, how are you doing, msg. He replied first with an angry message, then an apologetic one, then many more professing his true undying love for me, then depressed ones, and more pleading ones. Then he just completely regressed and kept begging me to take him back, but I was moving on, and plus, when he was lucid we’d agreed that space was better for us right now, so we said we wouldn’t communicate with each other. I was sticking to it. It was still a hard time, but I was not hesitating in my decision to end our relationship. Just how he had reacted to the break up was reinforcing for me that it was the right decision. Eventually, maybe three weeks ago, after I hadn’t replied to a number of messages, I sent him one that said that until he got it in his head that there was no chance of us getting back together, then we shouldn’t talk, because it would be counterproductive.

And then I just didn’t reply to anything else. Two weeks ago, he got drunk on a Friday night and wrote “asshole” on my wall. I was shocked, and put up crazy privacy settings towards him so he can’t see anything i’m tagged in, plus none of my pics or vids. He can’t see my status, and he can’t see or write on my wall. He wrote me an i’m sorry i was drunk msg, but whatever, i still wasn’t interacting with him.

There’s this thing on fb profiles, it’s just a little text box underneath your profile pic, where you can write anything and everything, usually something small. I’d never used it, but this week when I got the WORST cold of my entire life, definitely a flu or something (i lost my voice for three days! I missed a week of school!) I commented on my illness in this box. I didn’t know, but it was one of the few things that G could still see on my profile. So, a couple of days ago, he wrote me this tiny msg saying, hope you’re feeling better. So i waited a day, and wrote back, thanks, me2. And so we’re going from there. A tiny thread of conversation.

I really want to get to the point where we can be friends, because he’s an awesome awesome guy! And I know friendship could work. He’ll have to work on it a lot, because he can’t seem to let go of me, but it would be nice if we could be friends. We’ll see.

I went out for 4 days in a row prior to getting sick, and the Christmas market which just started and which is incredible, tempted me to stay out in the cold (without a winter jacket) for far too long. And vin chaud doesn’t warm you up quite enough to compensate lol. I love this city! My one and only exam is on Tuesday, so better get studying.

ciao :)

Back to School

I had an awesome break. SO relaxing. So lazy. So lazy it makes me feel guilty actually. I didn’t get into the lab ONCE. And I’d really led my supervisor to believe I’d be in a whole bunch once exams were through… ugh. School’s back on now, since yesterday. Thankfully my guilt has led to extreme productivity since Monday morning, so I’ve spent about 8 or 9 hours in the lab and I’ve gotten a lot done. Hardly makes up for doing NOTHING over the break, but still, it’s a start. My supervisor, P, is delightful. I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for her, partially why I feel so guilty for not getting into the lab over the break. Also, she gives Christmas presents to the students in her lab! There are just two of us this year, me and Sara. Sara is a huge nerd with little personality, though I still like her, most of the time. I’m fairly outgoing, thankfully, otherwise I don’t think I’d know a thing about her and we’d never have spoken. She’s definitely more outgoing than she was in high school (yes, I’ve known her that long), but she’s still an introvert. Seeing as she’s the uber-nerd, I’m pretty sure she spent her break entirely in the lab, though I’ve yet to ask her. Probably got an enormous amount of work done. Ugh. Anyway, I was unprepared for the gift thing from P last year, but this year, I was ready, and got something for her. I haven’t actually seen P at all since I finished correcting exams for her right after I finished writing mine around the 18th. When I went into the lab yesterday, there on stools, were two gift bags with shiny tissue paper coming out the top, with cards perched on each of them labelled “Robert” and “Sara.” I left P’s gift bag on her desk chair. I hope she likes it!

New Years was quite fun. Rachel and me went to a Chinese food place with about 10 friends, then to a house party, and then to a friend’s family party at a rented out community hall. It was so fun! Kind of reminded me of the big family things I used to go to when I was younger, people of all ages in attendance, but mostly early 20-somethings like me. Played drinking games (but not to any extreme), talked, laughed, smoked a cigar, took crazy pictures, and danced. It was great.

The next day (thankfully I hadn’t opted to go to the next house party, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get up in the morning I’m sure) Mom woke me around 9am and said we were going to Halifax. Halifax is the regional urban hub of Eastern Canada and hence has the best shopping. Beth, my sister, had to stay home to do school work, a distance poli-sci course she hates, and Dad decided to stay home with her, so it was just me and Mom leaving. We had a really nice little trip! Left on a Tuesday, got to visit with family that day, the next day we shopped all day, bumped into more family in the mall, had a great time. I love shopping and wish I lived in Halifax. And not just because of the shopping, I’m really more of a city person. Anyway, that night I went to see Enchanted with Alex, a friend of mine. He’s gay, too; we’ve been the best of friends ever since I found him, or vice versa, on some random internet site the summer after high school. That was… 3 and a half years ago. He was the first person I'd ever actually met in real life who I’d first met online. Big step at the time. It’s been purely platonic, he’s a wonderful person, we chat on the phone regularly, I love him to death. Anyway, we went to Chapters, then saw Enchanted, and loved it. It was nice to hang out with him, we don’t get to that often (he goes to another university).

Alex actually just invited me to come and visit him at his school. I could stay in his apartment and everything (he’s got three roommates, but apparently they wouldn’t mind. I’ve met two of them, they’re really nice, so I think it’d be fine). I’d be getting a drive up with Six, another friend of mine, also gay, who’s dating Vince, an ex of Alex’s, but who he’s on good terms with. Vince and Alex go to the same school, so I’d be hitching a ride with Six who’s going to visit Vince. Six lives near me but dropped out of university year before last (he’s supposed to be moving to Ontario to re-start in Sept, but we’ll see if that actually happens. He seems excited, so I hope it does). I don’t often do these weekend away things during the semester, but I think I could afford one now, seeing as school work hasn’t had a chance to get out of control yet, and I am being super productive this week. I work at the library on the weekends, so I’ll have to get my shift changed, but if I can do that then it should be a go. Fun :D

Lazy Holidays

This break has totally been the laziest one I can remember having since high school. I was definitely wracking up the sleep-debt through the end of the semester and then exams… I pulled more all-nighters this semester than any other, ever, and I couldn’t rid my schedule of 8:30’s, either, so… I don’t think I’ve ever been that sleep deprived. (Mostly of my own making of course, I’m the worst procrastinator). So naturally, I thought, once my last exam was through, I would have more than enough time to get all the sleep I needed. Thoughts like this comforted me when I was up at 3am trying to finish a lab report or whatever.

Unfortunately, I failed to remember/realize that one of my favourite things to do, when I have few obligations the next morning, is to stay up really late. I don’t really care what I’m doing – it’s usually something fairly useless like reading a novel, or going online, or watching TV, or whatever – but I just stay up way past midnight. I do it almost because I can. Also, since the pressures of school were lifted, I’ve been enjoying my resurgent social life, so if you’re at a bar or a friend’s place till the middle of the night, that doesn’t help your sleeping habits either. Basically, I’ve been staying up way later since school ended than I was during school. The main difference is that now I’ve been sleeping in till noon-2pm (which I’ve never had a habit of doing, even when I was younger). I never used to stay up this late either. Don’t think I really like it, but it’s a hard habit to break. There’s always something that keeps me up. Maybe tonight I’ll get to bed by midnight.

Christmas was really nice. My sister got me the DVD of the Battlestar Galactica mini-series (it’s our favourite show for a few months now, ever since I saw the mini-series on Space and then downloaded the entire series, my first use of BitTorrent). I got her the new Harry Potter movie. Mom and Dad got me a new electric razor, along with shopping money and numerous little things. We all got Mom this new outfit (which I picked out- me, entirely, with Beth’s approval, but it was all me. I refrain from mentioning this to people, but I’m saying it here, for the record). It looks quite sophisticated – she almost never shops for herself, so we love getting her new clothes. Beth and I got Dad two CD’s. Beth also got me this awesome green vest that I wore to my aunt and uncle’s that day for Christmas dinner. My cousins got guitar hero for their Wii – pretty addictive. Then we played Super Mario Galaxy or whatever it’s called. Much more my type of game, I love exploring, and I used to love Mario games when we used to play Nintendo.

Hung out with Tara, Thomas, and Rebecca two nights ago. Old friends of mine. I went to high school with Thomas and Rebecca – they’ve become idols of mine. Graduated two years ago, both now doing their graduate degrees; Thomas at U of T in botany, and Rebecca at McGill in entomology. Tara’s doing social work at Windsor. It was a wonderful night. After driving around with Tara, getting a snack, we picked up Thomas and went to Rebecca’s, where we ate, drank wine, reminisced and caught up until, like, 4am. It was so nice! Hopefully I’ll see them all again before they fly back.

Hung out with Shannon, Rachel, and Megan last night. Rachel, Shannon and I go to the same university, and Megan’s home for Christmas. They’d have to be classified as my core group of friends, and have been part of my social life since junior high. Megan’s coming out is going swimmingly – I knew that the other two would take it fine, but of course, it’s going to be nerve wracking anyway. Megan told Rachel last Saturday, and Shannon last night. I’m really lucky to have them all as friends, they’re so awesome. We had one of our rare semi-serious conversations about the future last night. It almost feels like everything’s out in the open now, and we can go into the future without feeling like we forgot to do something, or say something, or whatever. It’s a good feeling. My coming out, though not a big deal for them, was for me, and it certainly made me feel a lot better this year. And now Megan’s is complete- at least, to us. It’s going to be so interesting to see what happens to all of us in the future. Megan’s going to be done her music degree this year, and then she’s going into education. Rachel’s finishing history, also going into a B.Ed. And Shannon, finishing, poli.sci., has applied to law schools (she’ll definitely be accepted), and as for me, finishing biology this year, I’ve already been accepted to law school. But I’m going to France next year (that’s for another entry). We’ll all probably be at different schools… sort of reminds me of the end of high school, a great dispersion… but you keep in touch with the people you want to keep in touch with I suppose. We talked a lot about marriage and family and stuff, too. Rachel says she definitely wants kids, at least two, and marriage wasn’t a necessity, but she’d do it if her partner wanted it. Megan is open to marriage and kids, but her music and teaching is the most important thing to her, and she’d put that above having a family if she had to choose. She also wants to live in a nice old house that she’d fix up herself. Shannon, on the other hand, doesn’t want kids, and doesn’t really want to get married either. Successful career is more important to her, and she’d be fine having a common law with a guy, in an apartment in a city. Which resembles more closely what I’m into right now, which is moving to a city and having a successful career. In terms of relationships, I really don’t know what I’d ideally want… I’d be open to kids. The thought both delights and terrifies me, but if I found a guy who I really loved and who really wanted kids, I’d definitely do it. Adopt, I would imagine. But, I mean, I’ve never even had a real boyfriend before. All of my non-platonic relationships with guys have been transient and superficial. Fun, usually, but not deep or lasting. Shannon’s the only one in a couple of the four of us. Makes me feel better, really, that I’m not the only one. But I leave a lot of that stuff, future stuff, relationship stuff, up in the air, unplanned. Whatever happens happens, for now, and really, there’s plenty of time for finding a guy, and settling down. I have tonnes of other things to think about and plan for anyway. But the future will be interesting, that’s for sure.

Okay, enough for now :)

Joyeux Noël

Well, I successfully found gifts for that last person I had to buy for – my friend Rachel – and I was able to settle into Christmas Eve guilt-free. We had my grandparents over for supper, which is becoming a bit of a Christmas Eve tradition. They are absolutely hilarious, if unintentionally so. I’m so glad I like being around them. Both are in their 80’s, and my grandmother’s mind is kind of going, but they’re still a hoot.

Beth (my sister) and I ended up watching X-2 after everyone had gone to bed. Then I had some cereal, and read a bit, and now it’s time for last minute wrapping. I so leave things till the last minute.

Hope everyone has an awesome Christmas, whatever your religion :)

New Beginnings

Hi all.

I've been blogging in a quiet, little, rarely-visited nook of the internet for about three years now. Unfortunately, I think the site either got hacked, or it just fell apart due to lack of maintenance or something, sometime over the past two weeks, and my account there has become kind of frustrating. And since I've become rather attached to blogging over these past three years, I've decided to venture into blogger so I can continue.

I blog less often now than I used to. At the start it was a few times a week. Now it’s down to once or twice a month. I’m a university student, and I have terrible time-management skills, so blogging has sort of slipped away from me. But I do want to continue, if only to record things that are important to me as they happen. This year especially the blog’s become a bit more of a record of my day-to-day life than a canvass for my thoughts or ideas. I’ve become less creative and more boring, at least, for my readers, however few there are. Hopefully I can change that here. I’m still not completely sure why I write a blog and not just a private journal, but I suppose outside feedback is good, and sometimes it’s just comforting to know that you are, at least in theory, sharing a bit of yourself with the outside world.

Anyway, it’s late, and I might actually do some last minute Christmas shopping tomorrow for one friend who has proven extremely hard to buy for- if I can get to the mall in time.

Night :)