I’m home! Spent a month in Ontario doing a French course, and then a few days in Halifax where I got my wisdom teeth removed, blah. Since then I’ve been recovering, then getting ready for France, and spending a lot of time with Greg. I have a LOT to write about lol, so i think i might go in portions. First entry will be about the end of June.
After I started dating Greg, it was the perfect opportunity to tell my co-workers about him, and thus that I was gay. And it went so well! It felt SO good to tell them, and then to have them be so supportive! They were super interested in him, in our relationship, in our dates, everything. They’re all girls, and were all jealous of everything we were doing, and how in love i seemed to be :) I’m glad they were so interested, because I did want to talk about him an awful lot. It was (and still is) exhilarating to be in a relationship like this.
Tuesday June 24th we went to the mall where we met up with Shannon and her boyfriend. Shannon’s been one of my closest friends for years, and Greg’s the first guy I’ve ever dated who I’ve introduced to her, so it was another nice milestone. They got along great, Greg thought she was hilarious, just like i do :) We got subway and ate together and talked for a while. I said my goodbyes to here then, since I wasn’t going to see her again until August.
My parents, meanwhile, were becoming increasingly stressed out and angry with me because of all the time I was spending with Greg, and all the time I wasn’t spending on my VISA app for France, and all the other paperwork and such necessary for the university over there, and accommodation issues, etc etc. Like, really angry. And I was feeling torn, because I wanted to spend as much time with Greg as possible, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a month, but at the same time I knew preparing for France was of course necessary, there are deadlines for a lot of these things, and my parents have done SO much work helping me get ready for it, I was feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing my share. Plus I was working full time at the university. So, after I talked to Greg about it, we decided to take Wednesday off. I got a lot done, and my parents seemed happier, and I felt less torn. Even though that was one more day i didn’t get to spend with Greg.
Thursday, June 26th, Greg and I were spending our last day together. I worked, and then he picked me up that evening. We got icecream, walked along the boardwalk, it was nice. I actually almost spilled the sundae in his car, but managed to only get some on my sweater and jeans lol. But it was funny. Anyway, we’d parked near a hotel, which I hadn’t really thought anything of. When we walked back to the car, he said, “You know, I parked here for a reason.” And then he started leading me toward the hotel. He’d gotten us a hotel room!! I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. Up the elevator, down the hallway to the room. He let me go in first. As I entered the room, this song was playing. When You Look Me In The Eyes, by the Jonas Brothers. We love the lyrics, and we’ve always thought of it as “our song” so it was pretty special that it was playing. There were rose petals (rose petals!) leading from the door into the room. I followed them. The lights were dimmed. The petals went all up onto the bed. On the bed was a huge bouquet of roses, a teddy bear, AND a heart made of individually wrapped hearts of chocolate (!!!). Oh, and there were candles everywhere. I almost cried. We stood by the bed and just stared into each other’s eyes for a while. I kept thanking him. He was stressing how this didn’t have to be anything sexual, but he was just being polite, because we both knew we wanted this to be sexual. Never having a room, or a bed, to go to, can put constraints on a relationship, so this was pretty amazing, to have a room, for the whole night. It was the first time we went all the way, and it was incredible. One of the best nights of my life, I must say. We ended up cuddling and sleeping by about 3-something. He drove me home by 5 something, because I had to work that morning, and I had no change of clothes, and I still had my contacts in lol. Saying goodbye in my driveway by the first light of dawn was emotional... I was leaving for Halifax that afternoon, where I’d catch my flight a couple of days later. We promised to stay in touch regularly... goodbyes are hard.
My stay in Halifax was short. Visited Alex, who I told all about Greg in even greater detail than I had on the phone. He told me all about his bf, some of the issues they were having, but what a great guy he is. My family was there to see me off at the airport. And then I was flying to Ontario, where I’d be for the next month.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Love
I’m in love! I’ve never ever been in love. I’ve had crushes, but never this. This intense, mutual, all consuming adoration lol. His name is G. He’s smart, he’s friendly, he’s funny, he’s cute, he’s everything I could’ve wanted in a guy. This is the guy who I went out with for the first time this past Tuesday. He’s in dentistry, going into third year. He’s 22 like me, but he’ll be 23 next month. First date: drove around, got coffee, talked, got to know one another, realized how easy we could talk with each other. By the end of the date, you could feel the spark. Wednesday, second date: Went to the mall, then DQ for sundaes, then more driving, more coffee. Eventually we went to this big walking track near my house and walked for a while. When we got back into the car, we chatted for ever, and eventually ended up cuddling a bit. He didn’t want to give me the cold he had so he didn’t want to kiss me, but it was ok… just cuddling was amazing. I could feel myself falling for him. Thursday, third date: (first time I picked him up) drove around again, got coffee, later on got a salad from McDonald’s and split it in the car when we got to the park. We even fed each other some of it. …it was romantic. It was hot. I could feel myself falling harder. Walked the track a bit. Cuddled back in the car. I kissed him first- I no longer cared about the cold. Kissing led to a bit more… we didn’t get home till about 5am. We were hooked. I had to go away for the weekend to my great uncle’s 95th in NB. I think we exchanged more than 100 text msgs over the weekend… my bill is going to be huge lol. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. He picked me up Sunday evening after I got home… my heart was beating out of my chest I was so excited to see him again. We hold hands in the car now. He took me to a bonfire with some of his friends. We both want to make this a legitimate relationship… though neither of us has ever been in one. It was the first time I was in a social setting as someone’s boyfriend. A nice milestone. We walked on the beach and kissed by moonlight. We drove around. Parked at our park. Cuddled, kissed. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me. Cuddling led to more lol. We got scared by a police car which may have seen us but continued driving slowly by. Scared us to death, but it was fun lol. Got some apple juice lol. We’re going to movies tonight- I’ve never done that with a guy either. Going out to eat tomorrow night for our “one week.” God this is intense. I know I’m feeling swept away, head over heels, but so is he… I never thought this would ever happen to me, in a million billion years… but here I am! Luckiest guy in the world. I’m still going away for July, but we’ll have August together. I don’t want to lose him, ever. I’m so in love.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Coming out, here and there
When people talk to me about coming out, I tend to mention something like, “Coming out’s more of a journey than a destination, anyway.” When I’ve blogged about coming out, here and in my old blog, I’m usually referring to either “the first one” or “the big one.” The first one took place half way through my last year in high school, early 2004, when I told my family. Mom, Dad, and my sister, Beth. The big one took place last year and sort of this year- it got a bit stretched out. I told basically all of my friends, and made sure they knew that it wasn’t a secret and that they could tell anyone they wanted to. Telling my friends, the people who are most important to me socially, was the goal.
I was hoping they’d spread the word. After I’d told them, I would’ve rathered if almost everyone else I knew just suddenly knew that I was gay. Coming out’s often a pretty big deal, especially when you’re voicing it for the first time with friends you’ve known for years and years, who of course have already come to the conclusion that you’re gay, but who won’t bring it up because they’re waiting for you to be ready, and for you to come out at your own pace. To many of the other people in my life, they just assume I’m straight, or have subtle suspicions. Coming out to all these people would be annoying. I can see why some people just change their facebook “interested in:” and then everyone knows. It’s just so much quicker. At this point, I just want people to either not assume I’m straight, or know I’m gay. And since everyone assumes you’re straight, I’d rather they knew I was gay. For some reason I don’t really feel comfortable going the facebook route, so I’m left with telling everyone. Or, of course, letting the grape vine play its part and hoping the news spreads. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends really don’t gossip much, and I hang out with a few separate crowds of people which don’t really interact. So I’m almost fully out in one of these groups, but in the next no one seems to know. Like I said, it’s annoying.
One of my co-workers is in the second group. She’s hilarious, and smart, and talkative, and generally fun to work with. Seeing as we’re both going off to bigger and better, we tend to talk about the future. Now and then she’ll make a passing reference about my future wife. Or some random joke that implies I’m straight. Or how I’ll meet a hot French girl next year. Etc etc. It’s nothing major, and I know she has no issue with gay people, but she just assumes I’m straight. Or she thinks I might be gay but pretends I’m straight out of politeness. Or something. Anyway, she’s one of those people I would’ve rathered had just found out some how. It would save me the stress of having to verbally tell her that I’m gay lol. It’s still stressful, I’m not sure when it won’t be. I don’t even fear rejection – I just fear awkwardness. I don’t want to come out awkwardly. I don’t want to create an awkward work situation by talking about something personal- even tho we already talk about somewhat personal things now and then, just in reference to our futures or whatever. Truthfully though, I’m sure she’d take it fine, I know she would. But it’s just telling her. I almost did yesterday on the drive home (we carpool), but she blasts her tunes as soon as we get in, so talking about something like that would require purposely turning down the music in an “I have something to tell you” kind of way, which I don’t want. I want it to be casual. I want to preserve the feel of our relationship. Cool, comfortable, light, funny. I want this to be something that we could talk about, if she wanted. It’d be nice.
So here’s my plan. A guy recently messaged me on PlentyOfFish, the personals site. He seems really nice, smart, communicative, whatever. He goes to school away, but he’s home here for the summer. We’ve msged back and forth a bit, we’re ready to move to IM, and he’s suggested maybe meeting up next week. I’m totally up for that, I’d like to meet him. It could be termed a date, if I wanted to read into it lol. Which I don’t usually do, but for the purposes of this plan, I think I’ll pretend to. So next week, after I hang out with him, then I can casually bring up to my co-worker that I went on a date last night. And she’ll be all interested, because she loves talk about relationships, or any light gossip. And when she asks, “What’s her name?” That’ll be my opening! I’ll be like, “His name’s Paul.” And then we can talk about it lol. A perfect segue-way. I get to let her know I’m gay without the “I’ve got an announcement” feel, and then we’ve got something to talk about, in Paul. Which could then lead off into any number of other gay and me related topics. Good plan? I don’t even care if we talk about it for long. I’m confident in the strength of our relationship, I know she’s not homophobic, and then she’ll know! Which makes all the difference.
I guess I’ll have situations like this all through my life. Never again “the first one,” and probably not “the big one.” But instead, a series of little ones. It’s often nice to not wear my sexuality on my sleeve – I’m a fairly private person if you can believe it. But at the same time, sometimes you do want people to know you’re gay. Pretending to be straight is useful when you feel unsafe, or when you know that you might face immediate negative consequences that you’d rather not by being out. And sometimes it’s useful to not exhibit stereotypical signs of homosexuality when you’re casually dealing with people who may or may not be judgemental about it. But I rarely if ever feel that way in my normal social life. I want to let people in. I want to be myself. I want to challenge assumptions. Ya know?
So I’ll tell my co-worker this week, or after my “date” with Paul, whenever it is, and update you. And I’ll update you about the date, too lol.
I was hoping they’d spread the word. After I’d told them, I would’ve rathered if almost everyone else I knew just suddenly knew that I was gay. Coming out’s often a pretty big deal, especially when you’re voicing it for the first time with friends you’ve known for years and years, who of course have already come to the conclusion that you’re gay, but who won’t bring it up because they’re waiting for you to be ready, and for you to come out at your own pace. To many of the other people in my life, they just assume I’m straight, or have subtle suspicions. Coming out to all these people would be annoying. I can see why some people just change their facebook “interested in:” and then everyone knows. It’s just so much quicker. At this point, I just want people to either not assume I’m straight, or know I’m gay. And since everyone assumes you’re straight, I’d rather they knew I was gay. For some reason I don’t really feel comfortable going the facebook route, so I’m left with telling everyone. Or, of course, letting the grape vine play its part and hoping the news spreads. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends really don’t gossip much, and I hang out with a few separate crowds of people which don’t really interact. So I’m almost fully out in one of these groups, but in the next no one seems to know. Like I said, it’s annoying.
One of my co-workers is in the second group. She’s hilarious, and smart, and talkative, and generally fun to work with. Seeing as we’re both going off to bigger and better, we tend to talk about the future. Now and then she’ll make a passing reference about my future wife. Or some random joke that implies I’m straight. Or how I’ll meet a hot French girl next year. Etc etc. It’s nothing major, and I know she has no issue with gay people, but she just assumes I’m straight. Or she thinks I might be gay but pretends I’m straight out of politeness. Or something. Anyway, she’s one of those people I would’ve rathered had just found out some how. It would save me the stress of having to verbally tell her that I’m gay lol. It’s still stressful, I’m not sure when it won’t be. I don’t even fear rejection – I just fear awkwardness. I don’t want to come out awkwardly. I don’t want to create an awkward work situation by talking about something personal- even tho we already talk about somewhat personal things now and then, just in reference to our futures or whatever. Truthfully though, I’m sure she’d take it fine, I know she would. But it’s just telling her. I almost did yesterday on the drive home (we carpool), but she blasts her tunes as soon as we get in, so talking about something like that would require purposely turning down the music in an “I have something to tell you” kind of way, which I don’t want. I want it to be casual. I want to preserve the feel of our relationship. Cool, comfortable, light, funny. I want this to be something that we could talk about, if she wanted. It’d be nice.
So here’s my plan. A guy recently messaged me on PlentyOfFish, the personals site. He seems really nice, smart, communicative, whatever. He goes to school away, but he’s home here for the summer. We’ve msged back and forth a bit, we’re ready to move to IM, and he’s suggested maybe meeting up next week. I’m totally up for that, I’d like to meet him. It could be termed a date, if I wanted to read into it lol. Which I don’t usually do, but for the purposes of this plan, I think I’ll pretend to. So next week, after I hang out with him, then I can casually bring up to my co-worker that I went on a date last night. And she’ll be all interested, because she loves talk about relationships, or any light gossip. And when she asks, “What’s her name?” That’ll be my opening! I’ll be like, “His name’s Paul.” And then we can talk about it lol. A perfect segue-way. I get to let her know I’m gay without the “I’ve got an announcement” feel, and then we’ve got something to talk about, in Paul. Which could then lead off into any number of other gay and me related topics. Good plan? I don’t even care if we talk about it for long. I’m confident in the strength of our relationship, I know she’s not homophobic, and then she’ll know! Which makes all the difference.
I guess I’ll have situations like this all through my life. Never again “the first one,” and probably not “the big one.” But instead, a series of little ones. It’s often nice to not wear my sexuality on my sleeve – I’m a fairly private person if you can believe it. But at the same time, sometimes you do want people to know you’re gay. Pretending to be straight is useful when you feel unsafe, or when you know that you might face immediate negative consequences that you’d rather not by being out. And sometimes it’s useful to not exhibit stereotypical signs of homosexuality when you’re casually dealing with people who may or may not be judgemental about it. But I rarely if ever feel that way in my normal social life. I want to let people in. I want to be myself. I want to challenge assumptions. Ya know?
So I’ll tell my co-worker this week, or after my “date” with Paul, whenever it is, and update you. And I’ll update you about the date, too lol.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Gym-phobia
I’m on one of those fitness phases. Where I somehow find this strong initiative to exercise. I don’t know where this motivation came from, but I’m going to go with it as long as it lasts. I love it. It’s like riding a wave.
I used to be an active person. When I was little I played every sport out there, but I guess most kids did (most middle class, suburban, first world kids, anyway). Through Jr. High I was on the basketball team (not because I’m that great; just because I’m tall. I was active, that’s why I stuck with it). In high school I was on the running team (my height could no longer make up for my lack of aggression on the basketball court). First and second year at university I went to the gym now and then. I’d only gone maybe five times total during high school. I have this thing with gyms where they intimidate me, and it’s seriously become an impediment to a healthy, active lifestyle, and to the body I’d love to have one day. It’s not really the gyms themselves that intimidate me… it’s kind of complex.
I realize, of course, that I need to just get over this whole gym-phobia. I need to just go, and maybe even get a trainer for a few times, to get me started on a routine. A grocery store nearby has a nutritionist you can talk to for free, so maybe I’ll go chat to them about the best food to eat for bulking up.
I can’t see me starting this right away though… partially because of all the reasons I’ve just mentioned, but also ‘cause I’ll be going away for July to French camp (“Explore”: http://www.jexplore.ca/english/index.html), then getting my wisdom teeth out (ugh), and then going to France in September. So is this just a big excuse to not go to the gym? Probably yes lol. I’m sure I’d go if I had a group to go with. But I don’t.
Anyway, time to eat. Chicken and salad I think I’ll have. Later.
I used to be an active person. When I was little I played every sport out there, but I guess most kids did (most middle class, suburban, first world kids, anyway). Through Jr. High I was on the basketball team (not because I’m that great; just because I’m tall. I was active, that’s why I stuck with it). In high school I was on the running team (my height could no longer make up for my lack of aggression on the basketball court). First and second year at university I went to the gym now and then. I’d only gone maybe five times total during high school. I have this thing with gyms where they intimidate me, and it’s seriously become an impediment to a healthy, active lifestyle, and to the body I’d love to have one day. It’s not really the gyms themselves that intimidate me… it’s kind of complex.
I guess it’s partially rooted in my prejudicially negative attitude toward macho, athletic, straight guys. Read homophobic. I'm presuming they'd be homophobic, I know… it’s an issue I have, but I’ve had few positive experiences with guys like that. I’m trying to work on this, I don’t like prejudice, but anyway, that’s part of the issue. Doesn’t help that a lot of them are hot, either.
Also, since I don’t go to the gym, and never have in a really consistent way, I feel really inexperienced when I go. I don’t know what a lot of the machines do really, or how to use some of them correctly. Plus I’m really skinny, so I know that my appearance would automatically give away that I don’t work out and don’t know what I’m doing. I could even live with the fact that I couldn’t lift that much weight at first, if only I was confident with the equipment, or a routine or something. Which machines to use, how often, for how long, how many reps.. .etc. I figure I need to buy a book, or do some research online, or find a friend who goes to the gym (I don’t have any close ones – well, I had one but he’s away for the summer).
Plus at heart I’m lazy. But that doesn’t fit with my current fit of athleticism lol. The one thing that I’ve been consistently good at since I was little was running. I’ve been running off and on my whole life. So when I want to be active, when I really, really, want to be active, and it doesn’t involve a gym, I go running. For me this requires good weather, and it’s only just gotten nice here. Canada is cold. So for the past few weeks I’ve been running. All over the neighbourhood, and it feels awesome. Of course, my ideal body would be more muscular than my current one, and running isn’t going to bulk me up any, but it is fun, and I can do it, and it’s good for me, so I do it. I’ve also started to do crunches and push ups and things like that, which don’t require a gym either.
I realize, of course, that I need to just get over this whole gym-phobia. I need to just go, and maybe even get a trainer for a few times, to get me started on a routine. A grocery store nearby has a nutritionist you can talk to for free, so maybe I’ll go chat to them about the best food to eat for bulking up.
I can’t see me starting this right away though… partially because of all the reasons I’ve just mentioned, but also ‘cause I’ll be going away for July to French camp (“Explore”: http://www.jexplore.ca/english/index.html), then getting my wisdom teeth out (ugh), and then going to France in September. So is this just a big excuse to not go to the gym? Probably yes lol. I’m sure I’d go if I had a group to go with. But I don’t.
Anyway, time to eat. Chicken and salad I think I’ll have. Later.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Attestations
I got accepted! To a wonderful French university to study French for the year. I'm excited! And "Attestation" is the title of the document, as in "Le Directeur atteste que.." I got accepted. So I understand now lol.
Next step; get a law school deferment for a year. I'll probably need even more luck for this one :)
Sunday, May 25, 2008
May
After exams and thesis were all done, I enjoyed a resurgent social life for the next two weeks – making up for April. Graduation was on the 10th. So surreal to be graduated. Feels good. Work started on the 19th. I’ve been working on the publication a bit, though mostly when I haven’t been out in the field with P and/or other lab workers, I’ve been lazing around doing nothing lol. Online, or reading, or sleeping, or watching tv, or hanging out with friends. Staying up late, sleeping in. Today was a completely nothing day. Doing nothing all day is somewhat depressing, so I won’t be able to do it again tomorrow- I like being busy far too much.
I emailed the university in France the other day, wondering when I’d find out if I got accepted or not. They said they’d sent my “attestations” on the 20th. I was like, “attestations” ? What? Translated from French to English, attestations means… attestations. Big help. Dictionary.com gave me, like, testimony or evidence or something. Evidence I got accepted? Hopefully. How long does it take something to get from France to eastern Canada?
I got accepted into the Explore program, so I’m off to study French for 5-weeks for most of July and some of August. I’m really looking forward to it. And once I get there, if asked, I’m going to be gay from the start. Last time I never brought it up, so everyone assumed I was straight. I don’t want a repeat of that. One of the many reasons having a steady boyfriend would be nice is just that I could refer to him casually, thereby coming out in a non-confrontational, response-requiring way. I might even make him up to use him as a conversation insert. No… that’s a bit desperate… but I could refer to dates I’ve gone on… or something. I don’t know. Meh.
The lawn will be mowed for the second time tomorrow (by me). Leaves still haven’t appeared on trees yet. It actually snowed on the 11th. Hopefully we’re rid of snow now. It kind of feels like it’s been raining/overcast for two weeks. I think we’ve had two days of sun. Blah.
I still haven’t gone running. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow, too. I’ve been reading the Twilight series, by Stephanie Meyer, for a few days. Rachel is obsessed with them, and lent them to me before she left for BC for a few weeks. I’ll be done the last one by tomorrow. Twilight was better than New Moon. They’re good books, for teen lit. A bit mushy in parts, but I enjoy a good romance now and then.
Watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy the other day. It was good. Beth’s in love with the show – and it is good, but I don’t mind if I miss it, type thing. I’d rather watch Ugly Betty. But anyway, it was a good episode. I cried surprisingly hard at the part where the young terminally ill couple were talking before he got wheeled away for the experimental surgery. So sad!
Anyway, bed time. :)
I emailed the university in France the other day, wondering when I’d find out if I got accepted or not. They said they’d sent my “attestations” on the 20th. I was like, “attestations” ? What? Translated from French to English, attestations means… attestations. Big help. Dictionary.com gave me, like, testimony or evidence or something. Evidence I got accepted? Hopefully. How long does it take something to get from France to eastern Canada?
I got accepted into the Explore program, so I’m off to study French for 5-weeks for most of July and some of August. I’m really looking forward to it. And once I get there, if asked, I’m going to be gay from the start. Last time I never brought it up, so everyone assumed I was straight. I don’t want a repeat of that. One of the many reasons having a steady boyfriend would be nice is just that I could refer to him casually, thereby coming out in a non-confrontational, response-requiring way. I might even make him up to use him as a conversation insert. No… that’s a bit desperate… but I could refer to dates I’ve gone on… or something. I don’t know. Meh.
The lawn will be mowed for the second time tomorrow (by me). Leaves still haven’t appeared on trees yet. It actually snowed on the 11th. Hopefully we’re rid of snow now. It kind of feels like it’s been raining/overcast for two weeks. I think we’ve had two days of sun. Blah.
I still haven’t gone running. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow, too. I’ve been reading the Twilight series, by Stephanie Meyer, for a few days. Rachel is obsessed with them, and lent them to me before she left for BC for a few weeks. I’ll be done the last one by tomorrow. Twilight was better than New Moon. They’re good books, for teen lit. A bit mushy in parts, but I enjoy a good romance now and then.
Watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy the other day. It was good. Beth’s in love with the show – and it is good, but I don’t mind if I miss it, type thing. I’d rather watch Ugly Betty. But anyway, it was a good episode. I cried surprisingly hard at the part where the young terminally ill couple were talking before he got wheeled away for the experimental surgery. So sad!
Anyway, bed time. :)
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Thesis' finale
I’m in one of those I-love-my-life moods. Everything’s been going so well; my thesis, my marks; my social life. J’suis content.
Of all of my procrastinations over the past four years, my thesis ranks among the most stress inducing. I suppose that’s a fitting way for me to end my degree; leave the biggest thing the longest and then deal with it while juggling exams at the same time. Fitting because this is how I’ve most consistently operated at university. And somehow I end up pulling through. If doing this degree has taught me anything it’s how to cram, and how to do enormous amounts of work in incredibly small lengths of time. This is definitely a useful skill, though I really won’t be putting it to its best use until I couple it with doing things ahead of time as well. THEN I’ll be able to accomplish so much more, so much better. That’ll come. I think it’ll arrive when I attain some higher level of maturity in my work-ethic. Hopefully during law school.
A&P ended up going surprisingly well – it pays to have copies of old exams. That’s definitely a plus to being in fourth year, for me anyway. My social network has grown exponentially, where I’ve made the most new friends this year, and first year I only really made a few. And now that I know so many people, information about courses, and old tests, and tonnes of useful stuff that helps you do better academically is at my finger tips. Anyway, after A&P was through on that Saturday, I had one more exam, invertebrate zoology, on Tuesday, and then my defence on Wednesday. P set a deadline of Monday at 9am of having my whole thesis done, and turned into my committee. I was insanely productive that weekend, stayed up all night Sunday night, and emailed the whole thing that morning at 8:59am or something like that, might’ve even been 5 minutes late, but I wasn’t stressing. Through the night everything had just.. come together. It was partly the Intro that needed work, but mostly the Discussion. I’d been jotting down so many ideas, putting post-it notes on so many articles, scribbling outlines of how I wanted to get across particular ideas, re-arranging and re-writing bits from my proposal from the fall. That night it was all assembled. It was definitely not as polished as I’d wanted it to be – all the other sections had gone through multiple drafts and edits. The Discussion didn’t. But I had such a feeling of relief that morning! I finally had a completed thesis in my hands. No, it wasn’t the final draft, that wouldn’t be turned in till after the defence. But it was something substantial.
Cramming for invert wasn’t pleasant. There were a couple of major phyla I had to skim, but I was pretty solid on most of it. A 2h nap in the afternoon helped a bit. Got almost 7h of sleep. The exam on Tuesday went alright, not as bad as I’d feared anyway. That day I had to make the powerpoint presentation for the defence itself. Sara, the second of my supervisor’s three honours students, was so much better prepared than me. She’s very studious. Very much an ahead-of-time person. Anyway, I bumped into Shannon briefly on my way home from the lab that night- I haven’t really mentioned her lately, she was enormously stressed out. She had two theses to do, one of which was an extra course she took on in order to graduate with a particular degree. She procrastinates worse than I do, and that’s saying something. She had a bit of break down the moment I saw her, and then sort of recovered and told me all about where she is with the thesis and everything else that’s been stressing her out lately. I have a far less stressful life than she does. Her family’s insane. Anyway, after almost two hours of catch-up with Shannon, I went home, ate, and then stayed up till 4am ish doing the powerpoint. I have a thing with powerpoints where they have to be awesome. I have an artistic side that doesn’t get out much, and I love it when I get to do anything with design or whatever. So this powerpoint was damn good by 4am. My defence was at 11am. I slept till 8 or 8:30, arrived by 10:30, and delivered the presentation. I felt it was kind of shaky, like, flow-wise, but everyone said it was great, even P, my supervisor. I enjoy public speaking in general, and I think that being an ok speaker made up for the fact that I hadn’t really had time to practice the presentation. There were lots of questions, but they went well too. Immediately afterwards was the defence itself, where I go into a conference room with my committee and they grill me and see if I really know my stuff, and comment and suggest changes to the penultimate draft of the thesis. I was almost too over-tired to be nervous lol. I spoke a lot, I spoke my mind, I wasn’t afraid to semi-ramble when I was confident in what I was saying, because I knew that the defence is where they gage how much you know, and how well you understand and can actually defend the thesis. One of the committee was on speaker phone, which I didn’t mind. I have a good student-teacher relationship with each of my committee members. I’ve done well in classes with each of them, and I feel comfortable going up to any one of them and talking about biology stuff one on one. So that definitely contributed to a comfort level during the defence. Anyway, at the end, they put me out in the hall, had a short discussion, and then emerged to congratulate me on a job well done. I’d passed lol. That’s all you know at that point- you don’t get an actual mark till you make the suggested revisions, and then submit it.
So my exams were over the defence was, too. It was almost a weird, anti-climactic end to the whole thing. The revisions were supposed to be done by the following day, but my stress level was way down. That night there was a get together at a pub in town for honours students, like me, and faculty. It was really nice.
I ended up finishing the final draft of the thesis by Friday morning. P sent me an email back simply saying: “enjoy your weekend!” It only dawned on my gradually that the whole thing was over. *sigh* -still feels good :)
Of all of my procrastinations over the past four years, my thesis ranks among the most stress inducing. I suppose that’s a fitting way for me to end my degree; leave the biggest thing the longest and then deal with it while juggling exams at the same time. Fitting because this is how I’ve most consistently operated at university. And somehow I end up pulling through. If doing this degree has taught me anything it’s how to cram, and how to do enormous amounts of work in incredibly small lengths of time. This is definitely a useful skill, though I really won’t be putting it to its best use until I couple it with doing things ahead of time as well. THEN I’ll be able to accomplish so much more, so much better. That’ll come. I think it’ll arrive when I attain some higher level of maturity in my work-ethic. Hopefully during law school.
A&P ended up going surprisingly well – it pays to have copies of old exams. That’s definitely a plus to being in fourth year, for me anyway. My social network has grown exponentially, where I’ve made the most new friends this year, and first year I only really made a few. And now that I know so many people, information about courses, and old tests, and tonnes of useful stuff that helps you do better academically is at my finger tips. Anyway, after A&P was through on that Saturday, I had one more exam, invertebrate zoology, on Tuesday, and then my defence on Wednesday. P set a deadline of Monday at 9am of having my whole thesis done, and turned into my committee. I was insanely productive that weekend, stayed up all night Sunday night, and emailed the whole thing that morning at 8:59am or something like that, might’ve even been 5 minutes late, but I wasn’t stressing. Through the night everything had just.. come together. It was partly the Intro that needed work, but mostly the Discussion. I’d been jotting down so many ideas, putting post-it notes on so many articles, scribbling outlines of how I wanted to get across particular ideas, re-arranging and re-writing bits from my proposal from the fall. That night it was all assembled. It was definitely not as polished as I’d wanted it to be – all the other sections had gone through multiple drafts and edits. The Discussion didn’t. But I had such a feeling of relief that morning! I finally had a completed thesis in my hands. No, it wasn’t the final draft, that wouldn’t be turned in till after the defence. But it was something substantial.
Cramming for invert wasn’t pleasant. There were a couple of major phyla I had to skim, but I was pretty solid on most of it. A 2h nap in the afternoon helped a bit. Got almost 7h of sleep. The exam on Tuesday went alright, not as bad as I’d feared anyway. That day I had to make the powerpoint presentation for the defence itself. Sara, the second of my supervisor’s three honours students, was so much better prepared than me. She’s very studious. Very much an ahead-of-time person. Anyway, I bumped into Shannon briefly on my way home from the lab that night- I haven’t really mentioned her lately, she was enormously stressed out. She had two theses to do, one of which was an extra course she took on in order to graduate with a particular degree. She procrastinates worse than I do, and that’s saying something. She had a bit of break down the moment I saw her, and then sort of recovered and told me all about where she is with the thesis and everything else that’s been stressing her out lately. I have a far less stressful life than she does. Her family’s insane. Anyway, after almost two hours of catch-up with Shannon, I went home, ate, and then stayed up till 4am ish doing the powerpoint. I have a thing with powerpoints where they have to be awesome. I have an artistic side that doesn’t get out much, and I love it when I get to do anything with design or whatever. So this powerpoint was damn good by 4am. My defence was at 11am. I slept till 8 or 8:30, arrived by 10:30, and delivered the presentation. I felt it was kind of shaky, like, flow-wise, but everyone said it was great, even P, my supervisor. I enjoy public speaking in general, and I think that being an ok speaker made up for the fact that I hadn’t really had time to practice the presentation. There were lots of questions, but they went well too. Immediately afterwards was the defence itself, where I go into a conference room with my committee and they grill me and see if I really know my stuff, and comment and suggest changes to the penultimate draft of the thesis. I was almost too over-tired to be nervous lol. I spoke a lot, I spoke my mind, I wasn’t afraid to semi-ramble when I was confident in what I was saying, because I knew that the defence is where they gage how much you know, and how well you understand and can actually defend the thesis. One of the committee was on speaker phone, which I didn’t mind. I have a good student-teacher relationship with each of my committee members. I’ve done well in classes with each of them, and I feel comfortable going up to any one of them and talking about biology stuff one on one. So that definitely contributed to a comfort level during the defence. Anyway, at the end, they put me out in the hall, had a short discussion, and then emerged to congratulate me on a job well done. I’d passed lol. That’s all you know at that point- you don’t get an actual mark till you make the suggested revisions, and then submit it.
So my exams were over the defence was, too. It was almost a weird, anti-climactic end to the whole thing. The revisions were supposed to be done by the following day, but my stress level was way down. That night there was a get together at a pub in town for honours students, like me, and faculty. It was really nice.
I ended up finishing the final draft of the thesis by Friday morning. P sent me an email back simply saying: “enjoy your weekend!” It only dawned on my gradually that the whole thing was over. *sigh* -still feels good :)
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