I’m home! Spent a month in Ontario doing a French course, and then a few days in Halifax where I got my wisdom teeth removed, blah. Since then I’ve been recovering, then getting ready for France, and spending a lot of time with Greg. I have a LOT to write about lol, so i think i might go in portions. First entry will be about the end of June.
After I started dating Greg, it was the perfect opportunity to tell my co-workers about him, and thus that I was gay. And it went so well! It felt SO good to tell them, and then to have them be so supportive! They were super interested in him, in our relationship, in our dates, everything. They’re all girls, and were all jealous of everything we were doing, and how in love i seemed to be :) I’m glad they were so interested, because I did want to talk about him an awful lot. It was (and still is) exhilarating to be in a relationship like this.
Tuesday June 24th we went to the mall where we met up with Shannon and her boyfriend. Shannon’s been one of my closest friends for years, and Greg’s the first guy I’ve ever dated who I’ve introduced to her, so it was another nice milestone. They got along great, Greg thought she was hilarious, just like i do :) We got subway and ate together and talked for a while. I said my goodbyes to here then, since I wasn’t going to see her again until August.
My parents, meanwhile, were becoming increasingly stressed out and angry with me because of all the time I was spending with Greg, and all the time I wasn’t spending on my VISA app for France, and all the other paperwork and such necessary for the university over there, and accommodation issues, etc etc. Like, really angry. And I was feeling torn, because I wanted to spend as much time with Greg as possible, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a month, but at the same time I knew preparing for France was of course necessary, there are deadlines for a lot of these things, and my parents have done SO much work helping me get ready for it, I was feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing my share. Plus I was working full time at the university. So, after I talked to Greg about it, we decided to take Wednesday off. I got a lot done, and my parents seemed happier, and I felt less torn. Even though that was one more day i didn’t get to spend with Greg.
Thursday, June 26th, Greg and I were spending our last day together. I worked, and then he picked me up that evening. We got icecream, walked along the boardwalk, it was nice. I actually almost spilled the sundae in his car, but managed to only get some on my sweater and jeans lol. But it was funny. Anyway, we’d parked near a hotel, which I hadn’t really thought anything of. When we walked back to the car, he said, “You know, I parked here for a reason.” And then he started leading me toward the hotel. He’d gotten us a hotel room!! I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. Up the elevator, down the hallway to the room. He let me go in first. As I entered the room, this song was playing. When You Look Me In The Eyes, by the Jonas Brothers. We love the lyrics, and we’ve always thought of it as “our song” so it was pretty special that it was playing. There were rose petals (rose petals!) leading from the door into the room. I followed them. The lights were dimmed. The petals went all up onto the bed. On the bed was a huge bouquet of roses, a teddy bear, AND a heart made of individually wrapped hearts of chocolate (!!!). Oh, and there were candles everywhere. I almost cried. We stood by the bed and just stared into each other’s eyes for a while. I kept thanking him. He was stressing how this didn’t have to be anything sexual, but he was just being polite, because we both knew we wanted this to be sexual. Never having a room, or a bed, to go to, can put constraints on a relationship, so this was pretty amazing, to have a room, for the whole night. It was the first time we went all the way, and it was incredible. One of the best nights of my life, I must say. We ended up cuddling and sleeping by about 3-something. He drove me home by 5 something, because I had to work that morning, and I had no change of clothes, and I still had my contacts in lol. Saying goodbye in my driveway by the first light of dawn was emotional... I was leaving for Halifax that afternoon, where I’d catch my flight a couple of days later. We promised to stay in touch regularly... goodbyes are hard.
My stay in Halifax was short. Visited Alex, who I told all about Greg in even greater detail than I had on the phone. He told me all about his bf, some of the issues they were having, but what a great guy he is. My family was there to see me off at the airport. And then I was flying to Ontario, where I’d be for the next month.
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coming out. Show all posts
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Love
I’m in love! I’ve never ever been in love. I’ve had crushes, but never this. This intense, mutual, all consuming adoration lol. His name is G. He’s smart, he’s friendly, he’s funny, he’s cute, he’s everything I could’ve wanted in a guy. This is the guy who I went out with for the first time this past Tuesday. He’s in dentistry, going into third year. He’s 22 like me, but he’ll be 23 next month. First date: drove around, got coffee, talked, got to know one another, realized how easy we could talk with each other. By the end of the date, you could feel the spark. Wednesday, second date: Went to the mall, then DQ for sundaes, then more driving, more coffee. Eventually we went to this big walking track near my house and walked for a while. When we got back into the car, we chatted for ever, and eventually ended up cuddling a bit. He didn’t want to give me the cold he had so he didn’t want to kiss me, but it was ok… just cuddling was amazing. I could feel myself falling for him. Thursday, third date: (first time I picked him up) drove around again, got coffee, later on got a salad from McDonald’s and split it in the car when we got to the park. We even fed each other some of it. …it was romantic. It was hot. I could feel myself falling harder. Walked the track a bit. Cuddled back in the car. I kissed him first- I no longer cared about the cold. Kissing led to a bit more… we didn’t get home till about 5am. We were hooked. I had to go away for the weekend to my great uncle’s 95th in NB. I think we exchanged more than 100 text msgs over the weekend… my bill is going to be huge lol. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. He picked me up Sunday evening after I got home… my heart was beating out of my chest I was so excited to see him again. We hold hands in the car now. He took me to a bonfire with some of his friends. We both want to make this a legitimate relationship… though neither of us has ever been in one. It was the first time I was in a social setting as someone’s boyfriend. A nice milestone. We walked on the beach and kissed by moonlight. We drove around. Parked at our park. Cuddled, kissed. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me. Cuddling led to more lol. We got scared by a police car which may have seen us but continued driving slowly by. Scared us to death, but it was fun lol. Got some apple juice lol. We’re going to movies tonight- I’ve never done that with a guy either. Going out to eat tomorrow night for our “one week.” God this is intense. I know I’m feeling swept away, head over heels, but so is he… I never thought this would ever happen to me, in a million billion years… but here I am! Luckiest guy in the world. I’m still going away for July, but we’ll have August together. I don’t want to lose him, ever. I’m so in love.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Coming out, here and there
When people talk to me about coming out, I tend to mention something like, “Coming out’s more of a journey than a destination, anyway.” When I’ve blogged about coming out, here and in my old blog, I’m usually referring to either “the first one” or “the big one.” The first one took place half way through my last year in high school, early 2004, when I told my family. Mom, Dad, and my sister, Beth. The big one took place last year and sort of this year- it got a bit stretched out. I told basically all of my friends, and made sure they knew that it wasn’t a secret and that they could tell anyone they wanted to. Telling my friends, the people who are most important to me socially, was the goal.
I was hoping they’d spread the word. After I’d told them, I would’ve rathered if almost everyone else I knew just suddenly knew that I was gay. Coming out’s often a pretty big deal, especially when you’re voicing it for the first time with friends you’ve known for years and years, who of course have already come to the conclusion that you’re gay, but who won’t bring it up because they’re waiting for you to be ready, and for you to come out at your own pace. To many of the other people in my life, they just assume I’m straight, or have subtle suspicions. Coming out to all these people would be annoying. I can see why some people just change their facebook “interested in:” and then everyone knows. It’s just so much quicker. At this point, I just want people to either not assume I’m straight, or know I’m gay. And since everyone assumes you’re straight, I’d rather they knew I was gay. For some reason I don’t really feel comfortable going the facebook route, so I’m left with telling everyone. Or, of course, letting the grape vine play its part and hoping the news spreads. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends really don’t gossip much, and I hang out with a few separate crowds of people which don’t really interact. So I’m almost fully out in one of these groups, but in the next no one seems to know. Like I said, it’s annoying.
One of my co-workers is in the second group. She’s hilarious, and smart, and talkative, and generally fun to work with. Seeing as we’re both going off to bigger and better, we tend to talk about the future. Now and then she’ll make a passing reference about my future wife. Or some random joke that implies I’m straight. Or how I’ll meet a hot French girl next year. Etc etc. It’s nothing major, and I know she has no issue with gay people, but she just assumes I’m straight. Or she thinks I might be gay but pretends I’m straight out of politeness. Or something. Anyway, she’s one of those people I would’ve rathered had just found out some how. It would save me the stress of having to verbally tell her that I’m gay lol. It’s still stressful, I’m not sure when it won’t be. I don’t even fear rejection – I just fear awkwardness. I don’t want to come out awkwardly. I don’t want to create an awkward work situation by talking about something personal- even tho we already talk about somewhat personal things now and then, just in reference to our futures or whatever. Truthfully though, I’m sure she’d take it fine, I know she would. But it’s just telling her. I almost did yesterday on the drive home (we carpool), but she blasts her tunes as soon as we get in, so talking about something like that would require purposely turning down the music in an “I have something to tell you” kind of way, which I don’t want. I want it to be casual. I want to preserve the feel of our relationship. Cool, comfortable, light, funny. I want this to be something that we could talk about, if she wanted. It’d be nice.
So here’s my plan. A guy recently messaged me on PlentyOfFish, the personals site. He seems really nice, smart, communicative, whatever. He goes to school away, but he’s home here for the summer. We’ve msged back and forth a bit, we’re ready to move to IM, and he’s suggested maybe meeting up next week. I’m totally up for that, I’d like to meet him. It could be termed a date, if I wanted to read into it lol. Which I don’t usually do, but for the purposes of this plan, I think I’ll pretend to. So next week, after I hang out with him, then I can casually bring up to my co-worker that I went on a date last night. And she’ll be all interested, because she loves talk about relationships, or any light gossip. And when she asks, “What’s her name?” That’ll be my opening! I’ll be like, “His name’s Paul.” And then we can talk about it lol. A perfect segue-way. I get to let her know I’m gay without the “I’ve got an announcement” feel, and then we’ve got something to talk about, in Paul. Which could then lead off into any number of other gay and me related topics. Good plan? I don’t even care if we talk about it for long. I’m confident in the strength of our relationship, I know she’s not homophobic, and then she’ll know! Which makes all the difference.
I guess I’ll have situations like this all through my life. Never again “the first one,” and probably not “the big one.” But instead, a series of little ones. It’s often nice to not wear my sexuality on my sleeve – I’m a fairly private person if you can believe it. But at the same time, sometimes you do want people to know you’re gay. Pretending to be straight is useful when you feel unsafe, or when you know that you might face immediate negative consequences that you’d rather not by being out. And sometimes it’s useful to not exhibit stereotypical signs of homosexuality when you’re casually dealing with people who may or may not be judgemental about it. But I rarely if ever feel that way in my normal social life. I want to let people in. I want to be myself. I want to challenge assumptions. Ya know?
So I’ll tell my co-worker this week, or after my “date” with Paul, whenever it is, and update you. And I’ll update you about the date, too lol.
I was hoping they’d spread the word. After I’d told them, I would’ve rathered if almost everyone else I knew just suddenly knew that I was gay. Coming out’s often a pretty big deal, especially when you’re voicing it for the first time with friends you’ve known for years and years, who of course have already come to the conclusion that you’re gay, but who won’t bring it up because they’re waiting for you to be ready, and for you to come out at your own pace. To many of the other people in my life, they just assume I’m straight, or have subtle suspicions. Coming out to all these people would be annoying. I can see why some people just change their facebook “interested in:” and then everyone knows. It’s just so much quicker. At this point, I just want people to either not assume I’m straight, or know I’m gay. And since everyone assumes you’re straight, I’d rather they knew I was gay. For some reason I don’t really feel comfortable going the facebook route, so I’m left with telling everyone. Or, of course, letting the grape vine play its part and hoping the news spreads. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends really don’t gossip much, and I hang out with a few separate crowds of people which don’t really interact. So I’m almost fully out in one of these groups, but in the next no one seems to know. Like I said, it’s annoying.
One of my co-workers is in the second group. She’s hilarious, and smart, and talkative, and generally fun to work with. Seeing as we’re both going off to bigger and better, we tend to talk about the future. Now and then she’ll make a passing reference about my future wife. Or some random joke that implies I’m straight. Or how I’ll meet a hot French girl next year. Etc etc. It’s nothing major, and I know she has no issue with gay people, but she just assumes I’m straight. Or she thinks I might be gay but pretends I’m straight out of politeness. Or something. Anyway, she’s one of those people I would’ve rathered had just found out some how. It would save me the stress of having to verbally tell her that I’m gay lol. It’s still stressful, I’m not sure when it won’t be. I don’t even fear rejection – I just fear awkwardness. I don’t want to come out awkwardly. I don’t want to create an awkward work situation by talking about something personal- even tho we already talk about somewhat personal things now and then, just in reference to our futures or whatever. Truthfully though, I’m sure she’d take it fine, I know she would. But it’s just telling her. I almost did yesterday on the drive home (we carpool), but she blasts her tunes as soon as we get in, so talking about something like that would require purposely turning down the music in an “I have something to tell you” kind of way, which I don’t want. I want it to be casual. I want to preserve the feel of our relationship. Cool, comfortable, light, funny. I want this to be something that we could talk about, if she wanted. It’d be nice.
So here’s my plan. A guy recently messaged me on PlentyOfFish, the personals site. He seems really nice, smart, communicative, whatever. He goes to school away, but he’s home here for the summer. We’ve msged back and forth a bit, we’re ready to move to IM, and he’s suggested maybe meeting up next week. I’m totally up for that, I’d like to meet him. It could be termed a date, if I wanted to read into it lol. Which I don’t usually do, but for the purposes of this plan, I think I’ll pretend to. So next week, after I hang out with him, then I can casually bring up to my co-worker that I went on a date last night. And she’ll be all interested, because she loves talk about relationships, or any light gossip. And when she asks, “What’s her name?” That’ll be my opening! I’ll be like, “His name’s Paul.” And then we can talk about it lol. A perfect segue-way. I get to let her know I’m gay without the “I’ve got an announcement” feel, and then we’ve got something to talk about, in Paul. Which could then lead off into any number of other gay and me related topics. Good plan? I don’t even care if we talk about it for long. I’m confident in the strength of our relationship, I know she’s not homophobic, and then she’ll know! Which makes all the difference.
I guess I’ll have situations like this all through my life. Never again “the first one,” and probably not “the big one.” But instead, a series of little ones. It’s often nice to not wear my sexuality on my sleeve – I’m a fairly private person if you can believe it. But at the same time, sometimes you do want people to know you’re gay. Pretending to be straight is useful when you feel unsafe, or when you know that you might face immediate negative consequences that you’d rather not by being out. And sometimes it’s useful to not exhibit stereotypical signs of homosexuality when you’re casually dealing with people who may or may not be judgemental about it. But I rarely if ever feel that way in my normal social life. I want to let people in. I want to be myself. I want to challenge assumptions. Ya know?
So I’ll tell my co-worker this week, or after my “date” with Paul, whenever it is, and update you. And I’ll update you about the date, too lol.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
May
After exams and thesis were all done, I enjoyed a resurgent social life for the next two weeks – making up for April. Graduation was on the 10th. So surreal to be graduated. Feels good. Work started on the 19th. I’ve been working on the publication a bit, though mostly when I haven’t been out in the field with P and/or other lab workers, I’ve been lazing around doing nothing lol. Online, or reading, or sleeping, or watching tv, or hanging out with friends. Staying up late, sleeping in. Today was a completely nothing day. Doing nothing all day is somewhat depressing, so I won’t be able to do it again tomorrow- I like being busy far too much.
I emailed the university in France the other day, wondering when I’d find out if I got accepted or not. They said they’d sent my “attestations” on the 20th. I was like, “attestations” ? What? Translated from French to English, attestations means… attestations. Big help. Dictionary.com gave me, like, testimony or evidence or something. Evidence I got accepted? Hopefully. How long does it take something to get from France to eastern Canada?
I got accepted into the Explore program, so I’m off to study French for 5-weeks for most of July and some of August. I’m really looking forward to it. And once I get there, if asked, I’m going to be gay from the start. Last time I never brought it up, so everyone assumed I was straight. I don’t want a repeat of that. One of the many reasons having a steady boyfriend would be nice is just that I could refer to him casually, thereby coming out in a non-confrontational, response-requiring way. I might even make him up to use him as a conversation insert. No… that’s a bit desperate… but I could refer to dates I’ve gone on… or something. I don’t know. Meh.
The lawn will be mowed for the second time tomorrow (by me). Leaves still haven’t appeared on trees yet. It actually snowed on the 11th. Hopefully we’re rid of snow now. It kind of feels like it’s been raining/overcast for two weeks. I think we’ve had two days of sun. Blah.
I still haven’t gone running. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow, too. I’ve been reading the Twilight series, by Stephanie Meyer, for a few days. Rachel is obsessed with them, and lent them to me before she left for BC for a few weeks. I’ll be done the last one by tomorrow. Twilight was better than New Moon. They’re good books, for teen lit. A bit mushy in parts, but I enjoy a good romance now and then.
Watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy the other day. It was good. Beth’s in love with the show – and it is good, but I don’t mind if I miss it, type thing. I’d rather watch Ugly Betty. But anyway, it was a good episode. I cried surprisingly hard at the part where the young terminally ill couple were talking before he got wheeled away for the experimental surgery. So sad!
Anyway, bed time. :)
I emailed the university in France the other day, wondering when I’d find out if I got accepted or not. They said they’d sent my “attestations” on the 20th. I was like, “attestations” ? What? Translated from French to English, attestations means… attestations. Big help. Dictionary.com gave me, like, testimony or evidence or something. Evidence I got accepted? Hopefully. How long does it take something to get from France to eastern Canada?
I got accepted into the Explore program, so I’m off to study French for 5-weeks for most of July and some of August. I’m really looking forward to it. And once I get there, if asked, I’m going to be gay from the start. Last time I never brought it up, so everyone assumed I was straight. I don’t want a repeat of that. One of the many reasons having a steady boyfriend would be nice is just that I could refer to him casually, thereby coming out in a non-confrontational, response-requiring way. I might even make him up to use him as a conversation insert. No… that’s a bit desperate… but I could refer to dates I’ve gone on… or something. I don’t know. Meh.
The lawn will be mowed for the second time tomorrow (by me). Leaves still haven’t appeared on trees yet. It actually snowed on the 11th. Hopefully we’re rid of snow now. It kind of feels like it’s been raining/overcast for two weeks. I think we’ve had two days of sun. Blah.
I still haven’t gone running. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow, too. I’ve been reading the Twilight series, by Stephanie Meyer, for a few days. Rachel is obsessed with them, and lent them to me before she left for BC for a few weeks. I’ll be done the last one by tomorrow. Twilight was better than New Moon. They’re good books, for teen lit. A bit mushy in parts, but I enjoy a good romance now and then.
Watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy the other day. It was good. Beth’s in love with the show – and it is good, but I don’t mind if I miss it, type thing. I’d rather watch Ugly Betty. But anyway, it was a good episode. I cried surprisingly hard at the part where the young terminally ill couple were talking before he got wheeled away for the experimental surgery. So sad!
Anyway, bed time. :)
Monday, April 7, 2008
Memories
Oh my, April 7th already. Thesis still not done, though it's going to have to be within the next two weeks. Defence on the 18th. Exams on the 14th, 19th, and 22nd. And then I'm FREE. Today was the last day of classes. Last day of classes of my degree. Hard to believe! No, the time hasn't flown, though the last four years have been awesome, but you don't expect the last day of classes to be here. It's always just been something out there in the future somewhere. Just like everything else in the future lol.
Mom and Dad have returned from Florida. Beth's gone dogsitting, though I see her every day. I went up to her "new house" on Friday night and stayed over. We watched the second Elizabeth movie, The Golden Age (good, but we were both a bit lost through most of it), and then watched the season premier of Battlestar Galactica. We LOVE this show. Though we've been quite spoiled with a lack of commercial breaks, since up till now I'd downloaded the whole series through BitTorrent, sans ads.
Alex is coming down for a couple of days this week, he wants to go out to eat with me and Six and Vince. I think it'll be nice to get together, and even to see Six, since he can be so antisocial.
Chatting to a number of new guys online lately. One seems particularly promising, though he goes to school a 5-ish hour drive away (Megan's school). Beth and I might go visit Megan and others later this month, so I might actually get to meet this guy. We'll see.
Sad story. A guy at my school just died the other day. A rare form of cancer. HUGE tragedy, he was loved by everyone he knew, at the top of his class mark-wise, friendly, outgoing, energetic, attractive even. He was also gay. And that's how I made a connection with him. One year ago next week. He had a profile on a site, I added him as a "Favourite" or something, he msged me, we moved to msn, and then chatted. He was super nice, confident, but I was still pretty in the closet at that point, and I wasn't willing to meet up any time soon. Maybe after a few weeks of chatting, I’d thought. To my insular view, he seemed to want to move too fast. It would've been the first time I'd met up with anyone from my school. Anyway, we chatted for a while, but then drifted apart after a few attempts to meet up didn't work out for a variety of reasons. Sometime afterwards he dated Six for a few months, but after they broke up I didn’t really hear much about him over the past year. A few overheard things about how he was doing, health-wise, these past few months. He was a great guy, from what I knew from chatting to him, and what everyone’s been saying about him since he died.
Alex had been the one to call and tell me about his death. Chris and I have talked about it a bit; Chris had fooled around with him way back when. I’ve tried to talk to Six about it, but he can be so non-communicative, I haven’t really gotten him to open up about it. He’d always felt some lingering guilt about breaking up with him, mainly because he’d had this terminal illness. It was the best thing to do, to break up, because the relationship was obviously not meant to be, personalities-wise, but still, Six never really felt good about it.
Everyone that knew him was pretty sad on Friday, and again today. In one of my classes, the prof made this little speech like thing about him, saying where he sat (right where I sit apparently), just saying how much he contributed to the class, through his questions, and his presence, and how terrible it is to lose one of “our family,” which I thought was touching. He asked if we’d take a moment to reflect, and remember him. Then (this prof is kind of old fashioned and only uses an overhead projector; no computer aids) he put a transparency on the projector, and, as silence descended, turned out the lights in the classroom. The transparency had the guy's name typed on it, with the degree he’d just earned after his name, and then the dates, 1985-2008. And that’s it. Just those words in black on a white background in silence. So we sat. The night before I’d gone back to my msn and re-read all the conversations we’d had. We’d talked about some pretty heavy stuff. His coming out to his parents, how it hadn’t been that great. His supportive friends. The few relationships he’d had with guys over the years, the good and the bad. At that point he’d hoped we'd get to hang out over the summer, maybe go scuba diving. He said he’d teach me. He was so sweet. He told me about the cancer. How he didn’t like telling people because he didn’t want them to treat him any differently. He had dreams for the future. Big dreams. He wanted to become a doctor some day. He just had such a great attitude. Something he said stuck with me for some reason:
“You only have one chance in life, and if you do your best to improve the lives of others then your time has meant something.”
And as I sat there in the dark, looking up at that transparency, I thought of what he’d said and I started to cry. It’s weird how you can get to know someone online. I’ve never held his gaze, never heard his voice, never shaken his hand. I’ve only ever read things that he typed to me. And only for a few weeks, at that. I let emotions sweep me away sometimes, I guess.
Then the prof flicked the lights back on and started class. I wasn’t the only one with tears in my eyes, that’s for sure.
Anyway, this was a depressing entry lol. Wanted to write about it.
Later.
Mom and Dad have returned from Florida. Beth's gone dogsitting, though I see her every day. I went up to her "new house" on Friday night and stayed over. We watched the second Elizabeth movie, The Golden Age (good, but we were both a bit lost through most of it), and then watched the season premier of Battlestar Galactica. We LOVE this show. Though we've been quite spoiled with a lack of commercial breaks, since up till now I'd downloaded the whole series through BitTorrent, sans ads.
Alex is coming down for a couple of days this week, he wants to go out to eat with me and Six and Vince. I think it'll be nice to get together, and even to see Six, since he can be so antisocial.
Chatting to a number of new guys online lately. One seems particularly promising, though he goes to school a 5-ish hour drive away (Megan's school). Beth and I might go visit Megan and others later this month, so I might actually get to meet this guy. We'll see.
Sad story. A guy at my school just died the other day. A rare form of cancer. HUGE tragedy, he was loved by everyone he knew, at the top of his class mark-wise, friendly, outgoing, energetic, attractive even. He was also gay. And that's how I made a connection with him. One year ago next week. He had a profile on a site, I added him as a "Favourite" or something, he msged me, we moved to msn, and then chatted. He was super nice, confident, but I was still pretty in the closet at that point, and I wasn't willing to meet up any time soon. Maybe after a few weeks of chatting, I’d thought. To my insular view, he seemed to want to move too fast. It would've been the first time I'd met up with anyone from my school. Anyway, we chatted for a while, but then drifted apart after a few attempts to meet up didn't work out for a variety of reasons. Sometime afterwards he dated Six for a few months, but after they broke up I didn’t really hear much about him over the past year. A few overheard things about how he was doing, health-wise, these past few months. He was a great guy, from what I knew from chatting to him, and what everyone’s been saying about him since he died.
Alex had been the one to call and tell me about his death. Chris and I have talked about it a bit; Chris had fooled around with him way back when. I’ve tried to talk to Six about it, but he can be so non-communicative, I haven’t really gotten him to open up about it. He’d always felt some lingering guilt about breaking up with him, mainly because he’d had this terminal illness. It was the best thing to do, to break up, because the relationship was obviously not meant to be, personalities-wise, but still, Six never really felt good about it.
Everyone that knew him was pretty sad on Friday, and again today. In one of my classes, the prof made this little speech like thing about him, saying where he sat (right where I sit apparently), just saying how much he contributed to the class, through his questions, and his presence, and how terrible it is to lose one of “our family,” which I thought was touching. He asked if we’d take a moment to reflect, and remember him. Then (this prof is kind of old fashioned and only uses an overhead projector; no computer aids) he put a transparency on the projector, and, as silence descended, turned out the lights in the classroom. The transparency had the guy's name typed on it, with the degree he’d just earned after his name, and then the dates, 1985-2008. And that’s it. Just those words in black on a white background in silence. So we sat. The night before I’d gone back to my msn and re-read all the conversations we’d had. We’d talked about some pretty heavy stuff. His coming out to his parents, how it hadn’t been that great. His supportive friends. The few relationships he’d had with guys over the years, the good and the bad. At that point he’d hoped we'd get to hang out over the summer, maybe go scuba diving. He said he’d teach me. He was so sweet. He told me about the cancer. How he didn’t like telling people because he didn’t want them to treat him any differently. He had dreams for the future. Big dreams. He wanted to become a doctor some day. He just had such a great attitude. Something he said stuck with me for some reason:
“You only have one chance in life, and if you do your best to improve the lives of others then your time has meant something.”
And as I sat there in the dark, looking up at that transparency, I thought of what he’d said and I started to cry. It’s weird how you can get to know someone online. I’ve never held his gaze, never heard his voice, never shaken his hand. I’ve only ever read things that he typed to me. And only for a few weeks, at that. I let emotions sweep me away sometimes, I guess.
Then the prof flicked the lights back on and started class. I wasn’t the only one with tears in my eyes, that’s for sure.
Anyway, this was a depressing entry lol. Wanted to write about it.
Later.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Trips
Lots to blog about.
First, the pre-law/pre-med trip on Feb. 24-25.
- - -
Instead of renting a bus or something, the group decided to go in a few cars. Somehow I ended up in a car with these two really hot straight guys. Who for some reason seemed to like me. One of them has been in the pre-law group since last year, Jason. He’s a year or two younger than me. Dresses well. Dark brown hair. Tall-ish. I could see him being rich some day. Seems to know how to have fun with the boys watching the football game, but at the same time can give a great impression in the classroom. And he’s friendly. I think he’s in arts, but he looks like a business person. Actually, I remember now, he’s in poli-sci. Shannon knows him. Calls him her hot friend lol. The other guy is a bit shorter than Jason, same age. Slightly more adorable and less intimidating than Jason. Darker hair, darker eyes, tends not to smile as much, but when he does it’s really cute. Name’s Luke. Gives off an impression he’s more macho than he is. He’s in bio, like me, but he’s in the pre-med group, not the pre-law. And he’s in the military, or the militia, or something. We were in programming together last semester, and he totally saved me in the lab. He could actually program, whereas I’m not that great. He was an awesome help. Anyway, so I end up in the same car as them. Thought it would be pretty fun. They’re both pretty nice guys, it seems. Then this other guy got shoved into the car, too; Ray. He seemed quiet. He wasn’t attractive, and he ended up being a douche, which only added to his unattractiveness.
So off we go. The car ride was about 4.5h long. The guys spent most of the time quoting from comedy routines and Family Guy and South Park and SNL and lots of other things I never watch. I totally could not participate in these convos, but I did laugh sometimes. We ended up listening to this random song about a zombie talking to his friend in a mall… actually a good tune, became like the theme song of the trip. Ray was kind of homophobic, in a weird way. Like, at one point he’d be saying how outrageous it was that the Westboro Church people (you know, they protest at everything, super anti-gay) were protesting outside Heath Ledger’s funeral, and then later on he’d make these awful gay jokes, and he always used “gay” derogatorily. Almost like at heart he might not be homophobic, but that most of the time it didn’t matter because he gave off a homophobic vibe because of the casual things he’d say. Luke, on the other hand, was very vocally pro-gay rights, surprisingly, and made a point of saying how it didn’t matter to him if someone was gay, and how he thought discrimination based on sexual orientation was stupid, etc. Like, even just if something he was saying could potentially be interpreted, indirectly, as being homophobic, he’d make a point of saying that that’s not what he meant. I REALLY appreciated this. Made me like him even more. Jason wasn’t homophobic, aside from occasionally calling something gay, like, the rain or something (at which point Luke would be like, “I didn’t know rain had a sexual orientation.” lol), though he wasn’t as vocally pro-gay as Luke. It’s funny how often topics about gay people or sexual orientation or whatever come up in a group of straight guys.
After stopping at a restaurant and a liquor store on the way up, we arrived at the hotel, and lounged around for a while. We drank a bit, went out to eat with the whole group (20-ish), came back, kept drinking, went to a bar, back to the room, and to bed by 3-something. A very fun night. But we, everyone (well, almost everyone), stayed up far too late really. The organizer of the whole trip, E, had scheduled a tour of a courthouse for 8:30am the next morning, which most of us, including myself, thought was optional. A few people ended up going, but most of us decided to sleep through it and go on the law-school tour at 10am. Apparently E was pretty upset about it. We seriously thought she’d said it was optional, but anyway, nothing we could do about it but feel bad, and apologize (which I did when we got back, via email). Anyway, the law-school tour was awesome. Two students and an associate dean talked to us for a while, and then the two students led us through the whole law building. It would be pretty nice to go there (it’s my third choice school, the one I’ve already “accepted” to), but I still think my second choice is preferable.
After that we all met up at Pizza Hut (took forever to find, and it was super windy and rainy) where we all decided to buy E a big gift ( ...not from Pizza Hut tho lol) and get her a thank you card. I’m the money collector, and I’m still trying to track one last person down now, and it’s 3 weeks later. Drive home was fine, a girl came with us, I talked to her for most of the trip back. It was nice to have someone who could carry on an actual conversation and not just endlessly quote from comedy sketches or whatever.
About three days after we got back I worked up the nerve to msg Luke and tell him how much I appreciated how open-minded and non-prejudicial he was of gay people. Naturally this meant I came out to him, too. He wrote back this awesome reply, was glad I told him, and agreed that Ray was an ass lol. I would NEVER have done this, say, last year at this point. Being out is so wonderful. But seriously, I think it's important that straight people who bother standing up for gay people get positive feedback about it. Like, I really liked that he said the things he said, and the only way he's going to know how awesome that is is if someone tells him. And I love it that I'm ok enough with myself, and open enough about my sexuality, to be able to give him that feeback.
- - -
After the trip was through, break was great (see last entry), but my thesis was beginning to catch up with me. The big biology conference was coming up (March 7-9) and it was Feb 22 and I hadn’t even finished all my data input. P, my supervisor, had gone abroad for the break, and so wasn’t around to make me feel like I had to rush. Or be productive at all. So I spent that weekend at the lab, and after contending with a midterm and other business, finished it all by Tues. Another midterm on Wed and then I had a meeting with P on Thursday. I was SUPER stressed that day- I thought that P would be terribly disappointed and possibly angry that I hadn’t gotten as much accomplished as she’d wanted (I’d told her I was almost through with the data input before she went away). But she was so positive! She can intimidate me a lot, but I really do love her. So we made a plan for all that I had to do between that day, Feb 28, and March 4th or 5th. I was putting all my project onto a poster, which is one of the ways scientists convey their findings to their peers at conferences (either posters or oral presentations). P had wanted me to do an oral at first, but the two other students presenting at the conference from our school had also wanted to do an oral, so we drew from a hat, and they won (which I’m now very happy about). Anyway, so the poster had to be given to the printer’s at least 24h before I could pick it up. I was leaving at 4am on Friday, so I had to pick up the poster by Thursday, which meant I had to have it done by Wednesday. And when we were having this conversation it was Thursday. I basically had to do all of my data analysis, write a conclusion, revise my intro, objectives, and materials and methods, and then design and put together the poster in 6 days. Plus contend with two more midterms.
Those six days were the busiest, most intense, and most productive of my entire life. I spent almost every free hour at the lab, usually staying till 1am or so. I skipped every class except labs and midterms. P stayed with me for quite a few hours for a number of the days I was there, she was a HUGE help with the stats. My stats background is pretty weak – for some reason our school doesn’t offer an upper level biology stats course. First year stats is almost useless, and plus I forget most of it. And anymore stats than first year’s isn’t mandatory, so I took other things. Anyway, I was really overtired through that period, and I didn’t end up finishing the poster till about 6pm on Wednesday, after the printer’s had closed. I had been talking to the printer guy the week before, however, and he’d said that really, while they recommend 24h before-hand, or even 48h to avoid technical difficulties, it was possibly for him to do it in one 8h shift. So early the next morning I brought in the file, and we set about trying to get it to print. The printer guy is maybe a few years older than me, like, 25 or 26, really nice, so it was a pretty good morning, even though it took over 3h to just get the file to transfer correctly to the right format. We were dealing with both PC and Mac formats for things, and just moving the file around seemed to mess it up. Anyway, the laminator guy was sick, so I couldn’t get it laminated, but P had said it wasn’t necessary if I couldn’t get it done. Beth agreed to pick it up because I had lab that afternoon. She was so good to me that week, even sat around at school waiting for me that Wed. when classes got cancelled but P and I stayed in the lab to keep working. Anyway, the poster looked fantastic, I was so happy.
I still wasn’t happy with my grasp of the stats however, so I took a bunch of books and papers with me to read before I had to present. 5 of us were going on the trip, all bio students naturally; myself, Shawn (super smart, super nice, cute, popular, all around wonderful person, thin, dark hair), Dana (enthusiastic, nice, she loves me, recent convert from psych, I work with her at school, curly brown hair, not overweight, but a few extra pounds), Taylor (reminds me of a petite version of Angelina Jolie, smart, hilarious, stylish, straight brown hair), and Nicole (gorgeous, blond, smart, stylish, got to know her last year in fish class). I’ve known all except Nicole since high school, Dana since elementary school. Nicole and Taylor are already really good friends. I know them, but I’m closer to Shawn and Dana. We left at 4:30am to drive to the nearest big airport. Dana drove. We could’ve taken a flight from the local one, but it was way cheaper to drive for almost 4h to catch our 11am flight to the conference city. The drive there was pretty fun. Dana got to know Taylor and Nicole and bit. The flight was fun, too. I sat by Nicole and Taylor. And I got the window seat.
Friday afternoon was good, too. Hotel was fine, me and Shawn in one room, the girls in another on another floor. I spent most of the afternoon with Dana and Shawn buying sticky things at Staples to put up my poster, and trying to figure out bus routes, finding food, and walking back to the hotel on my own, where I fell asleep for an hour. Woke up and reviewed stats for a while, then went to the university to register at the conference. Wandered around the campus with Taylor and Nicole (the other two were visiting friends). It was fun just exploring. Anyway, I stayed up till 2am –ish reviewing stats.
Conference really began the next morning. The building we were in was super modern, lots of glass and steal and tile, I loved it. I presented my poster at lunch time. I thought it went well, though the judges had way more questions/criticisms of my experimental design than they had about my statistical analyses. But whatever, I was just glad to have it over with. SUCH a relief. All of that work, all of that time, finally I had presented. Really, the effort was more for P than for the conference, and while presenting for the judges had been stressful, the deadline of the conference for the poster’s completion was more stressful, and the stress I felt for the judges is more representative of the stress I still am feeling for my thesis defence in April. Anyway, at that point I could then enjoy the conference and not have to worry about remembering what the parametric equivalent of a Wilcoxon Sign rank test was or whatever. The presentations were mostly interesting, although, as with past conferences, most of the molecular ones went over my head. Taylor and Nicole both presented around 3pm. Both of theirs went well. Shawn probably understood and retained more than any of us. Dana, while not understanding as much, was definitely enthusiastic and into it all – I was impressed. Last year she wasn’t much of a student. This year, however, she switched her major to bio, and she’s studying way more, and getting better grades. I’m impressed. The third and last presentation session was the worst, just because we were all pretty tired, especially me, and the presentations weren’t as interesting. We were back at the hotel by 5-ish. I’d wanted to take a nap, but that never happened, and before I knew it, we’d started drinking.
I had three beer in the hotel room with Shawn and Dana. Then we all went to the banquet at the university. And who ended up sitting next to me but the chair of the biology dept! (from my university) I was like, this is going to be a disaster – but it was actually really fun! It’s nice to interact with professors in a non-classroom, non-hierarchical environment. He was super pumped I got into law school. He and one other prof sat with us, B. They were cool. And drinking a bit, though not as much as we were. It was Nicole’s birthday, too, so we all sang to her lol. Big 22 lol. I was on my 4th through 6th drinks at the banquet, and I never thought I’d interact with faculty while that intoxicated. But it went well. Immediately after the banquet was, for some reason, a lecture. Another academic lecture. About half the people skipped it to go downtown, but we decided to take it in. And it was absolutely hilarious. Everyone was loaded. And the prof giving the talk totally knew it and totally made the whole thing really funny. I really enjoyed it. Then that other prof who came to the conference, B, he’s great, drove us downtown in his rental!
Anyway, the rest of the night consisted of many bars (maybe 5) and the walking outside required to get from bar to bar, which was in itself pretty fun, lots more drinking, a hilarious girl from Alex’s school, dancing, a rapping Englishman, a karaoke bar (I didn’t sing, but Nicole did), pizza, and finally back to the hotel where I barfed and then went to bed, where Dana and Shawn leapt on me when they got back about 2h later (I was in a surprisingly good mood and just laughed).
The next day was a slow recovery. We missed the whole morning session of the conference and made it to the lunch banquet. B let us hang out in his hotel room all afternoon (Me, Nicole, and Taylor all slept in his bed) while Dana and Shawn went on a drive with him to see things in the area (it was freezing raining and cold and I was hung over so I opted not to go). Anyway, we ate a nice supper when my appetite came back, and then got on our flight at 8pm. Dana had slept from when she, Shawn and B had gotten back to when we left for the flight, so she was ok to drive home when we landed. B was staying an extra day. I left one of my bags in his room but he brought it back on Tues. Everyone stayed awake for the drive home, it was hilarious. I was in bed by 4am. And up for class the next day! Having skipped so many the previous week I was intent on making it – and I did.
So then there was this week. Pretty low key, communications assignments/tests/speeches dominated. Easy stuff. I’m feeling scared again for my thesis, but today I basically just slept and lounged around. Nice to do nothing, but I’m totally on borrowed time.
Mom and Dad are still in Florida. They call now and then, still always laughing and happy. I’m glad they’re having a good time. Snow is still on the ground here, but it’s getting milder.
When I read this in the distant future, I’m going to wonder what was going on in the world. The US presidential election is in the news a lot, or at least, in a lot of the news I read. Hillary and Obama are still battling for the Democratic nomination, while McCain’s got the Republican nomination wrapped up. The Conservatives under Harper just passed a motion in Parliament extending the Afghanistan mission to 2011 at least. The space shuttle’s just brought the Japanese built module up to the ISS. The governor of NY, Eliot Spitzer, just resigned over a prostitution scandal, making way for the first black, and first blind man to become governor of NY, David Patterson. I think today’s the anniversary of the Iraq war. The Latimer guy from out west who killed his disabled daughter a few years back just got parole. The Russian election was a few days ago; Putin’s successor was “voted” in, of course. Pakistan had their election, too, in the wake of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination. …I think that’s an adequate snapshot of what’s going on in the world at the moment.
Rachel’s brother. I haven’t really blogged about him ever. I’ve known him almost as long as I’ve known Rachel, since, like, grade 7, but he was always an extra person, you know, younger sibling of a friend. Anyway, his girlfriend is very sketchy. It’s led to numerous iffy situations for Rachel’s family so far, and now, quite suddenly although Shannon predicted this would happen, his girlfriend is pregnant. I thought that this wouldn’t happen because it’s so easily preventable… but I guess I was wrong. I thought he was smarter than this! He’s only, like, 19 I think. Anyway, apparently she’s going to get an abortion. But she’s very mentally unstable, and if she thinks that he’s going to leave her if she gets the abortion, then she might end up keeping the baby. Which, of course, Rachel’s family is completely against. Rachel’s brother’s always kind of been the golden child, destined for great things and all that. And he is smart, if a bit full of himself, though he’s gotten better over the years and I do like him. I hope things work out for him now.
Just over at my grandparent’s place. They have me $1000! To go toward law school. I’m still in shock over it. SO nice of them. I love them so much… and really, they never give huge gifts like this. Well, I shouldn’t say never, but usually they give random gifts, like, knick-knacks that they’ve picked up in Maine at these super cheap stores or something. Hilarious, random things. I love listening to my grandfather’s stories. While he can go on for quite a while, they’re always interesting. And my grandmother’ll chime in, and they’ll bicker, and it’s always funny. They’ve done so many things in their lives, and now they’re super old and they’ve still got each other. I think it’d be nice to end up like that.
Okay, enough blogging for one night. Today was a completely wasted day. Up super late chatting to Chris last night, mostly about sex, till 3:30am, slept till noon-ish, then did nothing today except cook, and read (l’Actualité), and nap, and blog, and visit my grandparents, and now I just drove Beth to a friend’s place. No productivity at all. Oh well, guess I haven’t had a nothing day in a while. But I bumped into P at the grocery store yesterday and said I’d be in to the lab on the weekend! I’m getting up early and going tomorrow. I have to lol.
Night!
First, the pre-law/pre-med trip on Feb. 24-25.
- - -
Instead of renting a bus or something, the group decided to go in a few cars. Somehow I ended up in a car with these two really hot straight guys. Who for some reason seemed to like me. One of them has been in the pre-law group since last year, Jason. He’s a year or two younger than me. Dresses well. Dark brown hair. Tall-ish. I could see him being rich some day. Seems to know how to have fun with the boys watching the football game, but at the same time can give a great impression in the classroom. And he’s friendly. I think he’s in arts, but he looks like a business person. Actually, I remember now, he’s in poli-sci. Shannon knows him. Calls him her hot friend lol. The other guy is a bit shorter than Jason, same age. Slightly more adorable and less intimidating than Jason. Darker hair, darker eyes, tends not to smile as much, but when he does it’s really cute. Name’s Luke. Gives off an impression he’s more macho than he is. He’s in bio, like me, but he’s in the pre-med group, not the pre-law. And he’s in the military, or the militia, or something. We were in programming together last semester, and he totally saved me in the lab. He could actually program, whereas I’m not that great. He was an awesome help. Anyway, so I end up in the same car as them. Thought it would be pretty fun. They’re both pretty nice guys, it seems. Then this other guy got shoved into the car, too; Ray. He seemed quiet. He wasn’t attractive, and he ended up being a douche, which only added to his unattractiveness.
So off we go. The car ride was about 4.5h long. The guys spent most of the time quoting from comedy routines and Family Guy and South Park and SNL and lots of other things I never watch. I totally could not participate in these convos, but I did laugh sometimes. We ended up listening to this random song about a zombie talking to his friend in a mall… actually a good tune, became like the theme song of the trip. Ray was kind of homophobic, in a weird way. Like, at one point he’d be saying how outrageous it was that the Westboro Church people (you know, they protest at everything, super anti-gay) were protesting outside Heath Ledger’s funeral, and then later on he’d make these awful gay jokes, and he always used “gay” derogatorily. Almost like at heart he might not be homophobic, but that most of the time it didn’t matter because he gave off a homophobic vibe because of the casual things he’d say. Luke, on the other hand, was very vocally pro-gay rights, surprisingly, and made a point of saying how it didn’t matter to him if someone was gay, and how he thought discrimination based on sexual orientation was stupid, etc. Like, even just if something he was saying could potentially be interpreted, indirectly, as being homophobic, he’d make a point of saying that that’s not what he meant. I REALLY appreciated this. Made me like him even more. Jason wasn’t homophobic, aside from occasionally calling something gay, like, the rain or something (at which point Luke would be like, “I didn’t know rain had a sexual orientation.” lol), though he wasn’t as vocally pro-gay as Luke. It’s funny how often topics about gay people or sexual orientation or whatever come up in a group of straight guys.
After stopping at a restaurant and a liquor store on the way up, we arrived at the hotel, and lounged around for a while. We drank a bit, went out to eat with the whole group (20-ish), came back, kept drinking, went to a bar, back to the room, and to bed by 3-something. A very fun night. But we, everyone (well, almost everyone), stayed up far too late really. The organizer of the whole trip, E, had scheduled a tour of a courthouse for 8:30am the next morning, which most of us, including myself, thought was optional. A few people ended up going, but most of us decided to sleep through it and go on the law-school tour at 10am. Apparently E was pretty upset about it. We seriously thought she’d said it was optional, but anyway, nothing we could do about it but feel bad, and apologize (which I did when we got back, via email). Anyway, the law-school tour was awesome. Two students and an associate dean talked to us for a while, and then the two students led us through the whole law building. It would be pretty nice to go there (it’s my third choice school, the one I’ve already “accepted” to), but I still think my second choice is preferable.
After that we all met up at Pizza Hut (took forever to find, and it was super windy and rainy) where we all decided to buy E a big gift ( ...not from Pizza Hut tho lol) and get her a thank you card. I’m the money collector, and I’m still trying to track one last person down now, and it’s 3 weeks later. Drive home was fine, a girl came with us, I talked to her for most of the trip back. It was nice to have someone who could carry on an actual conversation and not just endlessly quote from comedy sketches or whatever.
About three days after we got back I worked up the nerve to msg Luke and tell him how much I appreciated how open-minded and non-prejudicial he was of gay people. Naturally this meant I came out to him, too. He wrote back this awesome reply, was glad I told him, and agreed that Ray was an ass lol. I would NEVER have done this, say, last year at this point. Being out is so wonderful. But seriously, I think it's important that straight people who bother standing up for gay people get positive feedback about it. Like, I really liked that he said the things he said, and the only way he's going to know how awesome that is is if someone tells him. And I love it that I'm ok enough with myself, and open enough about my sexuality, to be able to give him that feeback.
- - -
After the trip was through, break was great (see last entry), but my thesis was beginning to catch up with me. The big biology conference was coming up (March 7-9) and it was Feb 22 and I hadn’t even finished all my data input. P, my supervisor, had gone abroad for the break, and so wasn’t around to make me feel like I had to rush. Or be productive at all. So I spent that weekend at the lab, and after contending with a midterm and other business, finished it all by Tues. Another midterm on Wed and then I had a meeting with P on Thursday. I was SUPER stressed that day- I thought that P would be terribly disappointed and possibly angry that I hadn’t gotten as much accomplished as she’d wanted (I’d told her I was almost through with the data input before she went away). But she was so positive! She can intimidate me a lot, but I really do love her. So we made a plan for all that I had to do between that day, Feb 28, and March 4th or 5th. I was putting all my project onto a poster, which is one of the ways scientists convey their findings to their peers at conferences (either posters or oral presentations). P had wanted me to do an oral at first, but the two other students presenting at the conference from our school had also wanted to do an oral, so we drew from a hat, and they won (which I’m now very happy about). Anyway, so the poster had to be given to the printer’s at least 24h before I could pick it up. I was leaving at 4am on Friday, so I had to pick up the poster by Thursday, which meant I had to have it done by Wednesday. And when we were having this conversation it was Thursday. I basically had to do all of my data analysis, write a conclusion, revise my intro, objectives, and materials and methods, and then design and put together the poster in 6 days. Plus contend with two more midterms.
Those six days were the busiest, most intense, and most productive of my entire life. I spent almost every free hour at the lab, usually staying till 1am or so. I skipped every class except labs and midterms. P stayed with me for quite a few hours for a number of the days I was there, she was a HUGE help with the stats. My stats background is pretty weak – for some reason our school doesn’t offer an upper level biology stats course. First year stats is almost useless, and plus I forget most of it. And anymore stats than first year’s isn’t mandatory, so I took other things. Anyway, I was really overtired through that period, and I didn’t end up finishing the poster till about 6pm on Wednesday, after the printer’s had closed. I had been talking to the printer guy the week before, however, and he’d said that really, while they recommend 24h before-hand, or even 48h to avoid technical difficulties, it was possibly for him to do it in one 8h shift. So early the next morning I brought in the file, and we set about trying to get it to print. The printer guy is maybe a few years older than me, like, 25 or 26, really nice, so it was a pretty good morning, even though it took over 3h to just get the file to transfer correctly to the right format. We were dealing with both PC and Mac formats for things, and just moving the file around seemed to mess it up. Anyway, the laminator guy was sick, so I couldn’t get it laminated, but P had said it wasn’t necessary if I couldn’t get it done. Beth agreed to pick it up because I had lab that afternoon. She was so good to me that week, even sat around at school waiting for me that Wed. when classes got cancelled but P and I stayed in the lab to keep working. Anyway, the poster looked fantastic, I was so happy.
I still wasn’t happy with my grasp of the stats however, so I took a bunch of books and papers with me to read before I had to present. 5 of us were going on the trip, all bio students naturally; myself, Shawn (super smart, super nice, cute, popular, all around wonderful person, thin, dark hair), Dana (enthusiastic, nice, she loves me, recent convert from psych, I work with her at school, curly brown hair, not overweight, but a few extra pounds), Taylor (reminds me of a petite version of Angelina Jolie, smart, hilarious, stylish, straight brown hair), and Nicole (gorgeous, blond, smart, stylish, got to know her last year in fish class). I’ve known all except Nicole since high school, Dana since elementary school. Nicole and Taylor are already really good friends. I know them, but I’m closer to Shawn and Dana. We left at 4:30am to drive to the nearest big airport. Dana drove. We could’ve taken a flight from the local one, but it was way cheaper to drive for almost 4h to catch our 11am flight to the conference city. The drive there was pretty fun. Dana got to know Taylor and Nicole and bit. The flight was fun, too. I sat by Nicole and Taylor. And I got the window seat.
Friday afternoon was good, too. Hotel was fine, me and Shawn in one room, the girls in another on another floor. I spent most of the afternoon with Dana and Shawn buying sticky things at Staples to put up my poster, and trying to figure out bus routes, finding food, and walking back to the hotel on my own, where I fell asleep for an hour. Woke up and reviewed stats for a while, then went to the university to register at the conference. Wandered around the campus with Taylor and Nicole (the other two were visiting friends). It was fun just exploring. Anyway, I stayed up till 2am –ish reviewing stats.
Conference really began the next morning. The building we were in was super modern, lots of glass and steal and tile, I loved it. I presented my poster at lunch time. I thought it went well, though the judges had way more questions/criticisms of my experimental design than they had about my statistical analyses. But whatever, I was just glad to have it over with. SUCH a relief. All of that work, all of that time, finally I had presented. Really, the effort was more for P than for the conference, and while presenting for the judges had been stressful, the deadline of the conference for the poster’s completion was more stressful, and the stress I felt for the judges is more representative of the stress I still am feeling for my thesis defence in April. Anyway, at that point I could then enjoy the conference and not have to worry about remembering what the parametric equivalent of a Wilcoxon Sign rank test was or whatever. The presentations were mostly interesting, although, as with past conferences, most of the molecular ones went over my head. Taylor and Nicole both presented around 3pm. Both of theirs went well. Shawn probably understood and retained more than any of us. Dana, while not understanding as much, was definitely enthusiastic and into it all – I was impressed. Last year she wasn’t much of a student. This year, however, she switched her major to bio, and she’s studying way more, and getting better grades. I’m impressed. The third and last presentation session was the worst, just because we were all pretty tired, especially me, and the presentations weren’t as interesting. We were back at the hotel by 5-ish. I’d wanted to take a nap, but that never happened, and before I knew it, we’d started drinking.
I had three beer in the hotel room with Shawn and Dana. Then we all went to the banquet at the university. And who ended up sitting next to me but the chair of the biology dept! (from my university) I was like, this is going to be a disaster – but it was actually really fun! It’s nice to interact with professors in a non-classroom, non-hierarchical environment. He was super pumped I got into law school. He and one other prof sat with us, B. They were cool. And drinking a bit, though not as much as we were. It was Nicole’s birthday, too, so we all sang to her lol. Big 22 lol. I was on my 4th through 6th drinks at the banquet, and I never thought I’d interact with faculty while that intoxicated. But it went well. Immediately after the banquet was, for some reason, a lecture. Another academic lecture. About half the people skipped it to go downtown, but we decided to take it in. And it was absolutely hilarious. Everyone was loaded. And the prof giving the talk totally knew it and totally made the whole thing really funny. I really enjoyed it. Then that other prof who came to the conference, B, he’s great, drove us downtown in his rental!
Anyway, the rest of the night consisted of many bars (maybe 5) and the walking outside required to get from bar to bar, which was in itself pretty fun, lots more drinking, a hilarious girl from Alex’s school, dancing, a rapping Englishman, a karaoke bar (I didn’t sing, but Nicole did), pizza, and finally back to the hotel where I barfed and then went to bed, where Dana and Shawn leapt on me when they got back about 2h later (I was in a surprisingly good mood and just laughed).
The next day was a slow recovery. We missed the whole morning session of the conference and made it to the lunch banquet. B let us hang out in his hotel room all afternoon (Me, Nicole, and Taylor all slept in his bed) while Dana and Shawn went on a drive with him to see things in the area (it was freezing raining and cold and I was hung over so I opted not to go). Anyway, we ate a nice supper when my appetite came back, and then got on our flight at 8pm. Dana had slept from when she, Shawn and B had gotten back to when we left for the flight, so she was ok to drive home when we landed. B was staying an extra day. I left one of my bags in his room but he brought it back on Tues. Everyone stayed awake for the drive home, it was hilarious. I was in bed by 4am. And up for class the next day! Having skipped so many the previous week I was intent on making it – and I did.
So then there was this week. Pretty low key, communications assignments/tests/speeches dominated. Easy stuff. I’m feeling scared again for my thesis, but today I basically just slept and lounged around. Nice to do nothing, but I’m totally on borrowed time.
Mom and Dad are still in Florida. They call now and then, still always laughing and happy. I’m glad they’re having a good time. Snow is still on the ground here, but it’s getting milder.
When I read this in the distant future, I’m going to wonder what was going on in the world. The US presidential election is in the news a lot, or at least, in a lot of the news I read. Hillary and Obama are still battling for the Democratic nomination, while McCain’s got the Republican nomination wrapped up. The Conservatives under Harper just passed a motion in Parliament extending the Afghanistan mission to 2011 at least. The space shuttle’s just brought the Japanese built module up to the ISS. The governor of NY, Eliot Spitzer, just resigned over a prostitution scandal, making way for the first black, and first blind man to become governor of NY, David Patterson. I think today’s the anniversary of the Iraq war. The Latimer guy from out west who killed his disabled daughter a few years back just got parole. The Russian election was a few days ago; Putin’s successor was “voted” in, of course. Pakistan had their election, too, in the wake of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination. …I think that’s an adequate snapshot of what’s going on in the world at the moment.
Rachel’s brother. I haven’t really blogged about him ever. I’ve known him almost as long as I’ve known Rachel, since, like, grade 7, but he was always an extra person, you know, younger sibling of a friend. Anyway, his girlfriend is very sketchy. It’s led to numerous iffy situations for Rachel’s family so far, and now, quite suddenly although Shannon predicted this would happen, his girlfriend is pregnant. I thought that this wouldn’t happen because it’s so easily preventable… but I guess I was wrong. I thought he was smarter than this! He’s only, like, 19 I think. Anyway, apparently she’s going to get an abortion. But she’s very mentally unstable, and if she thinks that he’s going to leave her if she gets the abortion, then she might end up keeping the baby. Which, of course, Rachel’s family is completely against. Rachel’s brother’s always kind of been the golden child, destined for great things and all that. And he is smart, if a bit full of himself, though he’s gotten better over the years and I do like him. I hope things work out for him now.
Just over at my grandparent’s place. They have me $1000! To go toward law school. I’m still in shock over it. SO nice of them. I love them so much… and really, they never give huge gifts like this. Well, I shouldn’t say never, but usually they give random gifts, like, knick-knacks that they’ve picked up in Maine at these super cheap stores or something. Hilarious, random things. I love listening to my grandfather’s stories. While he can go on for quite a while, they’re always interesting. And my grandmother’ll chime in, and they’ll bicker, and it’s always funny. They’ve done so many things in their lives, and now they’re super old and they’ve still got each other. I think it’d be nice to end up like that.
Okay, enough blogging for one night. Today was a completely wasted day. Up super late chatting to Chris last night, mostly about sex, till 3:30am, slept till noon-ish, then did nothing today except cook, and read (l’Actualité), and nap, and blog, and visit my grandparents, and now I just drove Beth to a friend’s place. No productivity at all. Oh well, guess I haven’t had a nothing day in a while. But I bumped into P at the grocery store yesterday and said I’d be in to the lab on the weekend! I’m getting up early and going tomorrow. I have to lol.
Night!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Rocket Man
I kind of feel like my life is about to launch or something. Like, there’s one of those countdowns on, and as soon as I graduate, I’m going to just blast-off. It’s a wonderful feeling. It’s exciting.
My last email was a bit morose – I rarely, rarely am in a bad mood like that, and naturally by the next day I was super happy. The good parts are what I tend to dwell on if you give me time. Plus on Monday I was thrust back into my normal life, which does make me feel fairly content, if only because it’s so busy and people-filled. And the weekend was SO awesome. I felt literally like I was on a high or something on Tuesday night. I ended up calling Shannon and having an enormous, deep, fun conversation with her. Like, almost three hours long I think. She told me all about this drama at school. She had accidentally blurted to this girl that this girl's boyfriend had been cheating on her (I’d told Shannon about the cheating, in confidence, but we’d both thought that this girl had known the full story, that the boyfriend had confessed – but he actually hadn’t. He and the other cheater had fabricated a story that they were both sticking to. Whoops lol). (Anyway, that’s since been resolved). We talked about the future. We talked about all the crap that Shannon has to do right now. We talked about all the crap I have to do right now. We’re both doing theses. Blah. Then I told her all about my weekend, which she loved. I told her the entire back story. Like, the ENTIRE story. All about me chatting to Vince, and Six, and Alex all separately, and then Alex meeting and dating Vince, and then them breaking up, and then Alex meeting Six online, and then the entire fight I had with Vince online because he lied over something stupid, and then me blocking him, and then Vince coming here to do his practicum, and then he and Six starting to date, and then me unblocking Vince at mostly Six’s request but also a little bit of Alex’s, and then he and I making up, and then all of them inviting me down for the weekend. That took a while, it’s like a soap. And then the whole weekend was recounted, too. Which led to this big conversation about me being in the closet and what she and our other friends had been thinking through different situations over the years. Everyone’s so shocked at my “secret life,” all these guys I’ve met through the internet and developed friendships with, without my straight friends knowing about it. I was so sneaky lol. It’s so nice to be out! You get to deepen your friendships.
After that I chatted to Alex for a bit, and went on a bit too long about how adorable Six and Vince are together. I kind of forget that Alex and Vince dated through September. I ended up being totally insensitive and then apologizing the next day. I so would never want to hurt Alex… I just get swept up in the whole Six and Vince are in love and I’m SO happy for them. It’s so nice when two people who you like find happiness with each other. Sappy, I know, but I can be pretty sentimental. I cried today while rushing to finish a short story before I rushed to anatomy class. The main character died in the end! Quite moving. Anyway.
Six told me last night he’s applying to a journalism program! Now, this must be the sixth time he’s told me he’s applying somewhere, and they’ve all been different places and he’s never actually gone through with it. He started university at my school when I was in second year, but then he dropped out a little over half way through. Dealing with being gay was definitely a contributing factor, in my opinion. He’s come such a long way since I met him. I really, really hope that this program works out. We’ll see. He wants to apply tomorrow. I’ll check in with him.
I finally met up with my supervisor today. She’s so awesome! Yet she intimidates me more than anyone else. I love her, and am scared of her all at once. I jump at the chance to work with her or impress her, but I find I avoid her if I’m at all nervous about something. It’s weird. I’ll be glad when this thesis is behind me. It’s way too stressful.
Six is going back to visit Vince on the weekend of Feb. 8th. I really hope I can go. I’m having a meeting with my sup on Saturday, after which I can really buckle down and get a lot of work done. And as long as I keep staying on top of all my other course work… everything should work out! Two other trips are planned this semester. One to tour a law school in mid Feb., and the other to a biology conference in March. If I go on all of these including the one on the 8th , it might be my most travelled semester yet. I was also invited to go with Shannon to see Megan at her school at the end of the month, but it’s way farther, and I’d have to buy a bus ticket… and I’m too cheap. And frankly, I’d rather use a free weekend to go see Alex and Vince with Six than to see Megan. Even though she’s one of my closest friends and I have never actually been to visit her at her school in the last three years.
I’ve been meaning to call Rachel. Her brother got in a car accident (that I’m not suppose to talk about), and she’s also having people over this weekend. And she wants to hear about my weekend away. I also need to call Jocelyn, who called me, like, two weeks ago! and then I had to let her go because I was going out. I feel really bad. I suck at calling her! She’s going to be in England next year while I’m in France, so we’re definitely hanging out. She wants to go to Prague together. Maybe Rachel will be there too, just for fun for a few days. I’d love it!
Anyway, gotta go snack and send a gazillion emails and eat something.
My last email was a bit morose – I rarely, rarely am in a bad mood like that, and naturally by the next day I was super happy. The good parts are what I tend to dwell on if you give me time. Plus on Monday I was thrust back into my normal life, which does make me feel fairly content, if only because it’s so busy and people-filled. And the weekend was SO awesome. I felt literally like I was on a high or something on Tuesday night. I ended up calling Shannon and having an enormous, deep, fun conversation with her. Like, almost three hours long I think. She told me all about this drama at school. She had accidentally blurted to this girl that this girl's boyfriend had been cheating on her (I’d told Shannon about the cheating, in confidence, but we’d both thought that this girl had known the full story, that the boyfriend had confessed – but he actually hadn’t. He and the other cheater had fabricated a story that they were both sticking to. Whoops lol). (Anyway, that’s since been resolved). We talked about the future. We talked about all the crap that Shannon has to do right now. We talked about all the crap I have to do right now. We’re both doing theses. Blah. Then I told her all about my weekend, which she loved. I told her the entire back story. Like, the ENTIRE story. All about me chatting to Vince, and Six, and Alex all separately, and then Alex meeting and dating Vince, and then them breaking up, and then Alex meeting Six online, and then the entire fight I had with Vince online because he lied over something stupid, and then me blocking him, and then Vince coming here to do his practicum, and then he and Six starting to date, and then me unblocking Vince at mostly Six’s request but also a little bit of Alex’s, and then he and I making up, and then all of them inviting me down for the weekend. That took a while, it’s like a soap. And then the whole weekend was recounted, too. Which led to this big conversation about me being in the closet and what she and our other friends had been thinking through different situations over the years. Everyone’s so shocked at my “secret life,” all these guys I’ve met through the internet and developed friendships with, without my straight friends knowing about it. I was so sneaky lol. It’s so nice to be out! You get to deepen your friendships.
After that I chatted to Alex for a bit, and went on a bit too long about how adorable Six and Vince are together. I kind of forget that Alex and Vince dated through September. I ended up being totally insensitive and then apologizing the next day. I so would never want to hurt Alex… I just get swept up in the whole Six and Vince are in love and I’m SO happy for them. It’s so nice when two people who you like find happiness with each other. Sappy, I know, but I can be pretty sentimental. I cried today while rushing to finish a short story before I rushed to anatomy class. The main character died in the end! Quite moving. Anyway.
Six told me last night he’s applying to a journalism program! Now, this must be the sixth time he’s told me he’s applying somewhere, and they’ve all been different places and he’s never actually gone through with it. He started university at my school when I was in second year, but then he dropped out a little over half way through. Dealing with being gay was definitely a contributing factor, in my opinion. He’s come such a long way since I met him. I really, really hope that this program works out. We’ll see. He wants to apply tomorrow. I’ll check in with him.
I finally met up with my supervisor today. She’s so awesome! Yet she intimidates me more than anyone else. I love her, and am scared of her all at once. I jump at the chance to work with her or impress her, but I find I avoid her if I’m at all nervous about something. It’s weird. I’ll be glad when this thesis is behind me. It’s way too stressful.
Six is going back to visit Vince on the weekend of Feb. 8th. I really hope I can go. I’m having a meeting with my sup on Saturday, after which I can really buckle down and get a lot of work done. And as long as I keep staying on top of all my other course work… everything should work out! Two other trips are planned this semester. One to tour a law school in mid Feb., and the other to a biology conference in March. If I go on all of these including the one on the 8th , it might be my most travelled semester yet. I was also invited to go with Shannon to see Megan at her school at the end of the month, but it’s way farther, and I’d have to buy a bus ticket… and I’m too cheap. And frankly, I’d rather use a free weekend to go see Alex and Vince with Six than to see Megan. Even though she’s one of my closest friends and I have never actually been to visit her at her school in the last three years.
I’ve been meaning to call Rachel. Her brother got in a car accident (that I’m not suppose to talk about), and she’s also having people over this weekend. And she wants to hear about my weekend away. I also need to call Jocelyn, who called me, like, two weeks ago! and then I had to let her go because I was going out. I feel really bad. I suck at calling her! She’s going to be in England next year while I’m in France, so we’re definitely hanging out. She wants to go to Prague together. Maybe Rachel will be there too, just for fun for a few days. I’d love it!
Anyway, gotta go snack and send a gazillion emails and eat something.
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