Weekend Trip

I just got back from visiting Alex. I had a great time, and I feel the need to verbalize everything. Or rather, put in written form, or whatever. Anyway.

Six picked me up at 1:30pm on Friday. I only had one class on Friday, and it ended at 12:45, so I had just enough time talk to the prof, get home, finish getting ready and jump in his car. The ride there was perfect. We listened to his CD, which only had, like, 14 songs on it, most of which I don’t even really like that much. Fleetwood Mac, and other mostly 80’s tunes. Don’t hate them though, and I have a high tolerance for music that I don’t like, so it was cool. We talked about lots of random things, like the state of the highway, and provincial politics, and random guys we both know at home, and the state of his relationship with Vince, which is bright. I hadn’t met Vince at this point. My opinion of him was framed by what Six had told me, and what Alex had told me, and what I’d gathered from chatting to him myself. Mostly positive.


Ok I wanted to just write all about the weekend, but I want to get this out first.
This is going to be kind of a Free-Write, just typing whatever I’m feeling, but I’ll try to be coherent:

I feel a whole bunch of things all at once tonight. Reminds me of how I felt after visiting Alex the last time, though that was about 2 years ago.
I’m tired, first of all, which probably has a larger influence over how I’m feeling than I think.
I’m sad I don’t have a boyfriend. Sad is a bit of a simplistic way to phrase it though. Sad/frustrated/angry/envious/bitter/drained is a better combo of words to describe the feeling.
I’m angry at myself for not choosing a path years back that would’ve put me in a different place right now, both in terms of coming out sooner, and dating, and maybe being with someone right now.
I’m jealous of both Six and Vince for being together, and having each other, and being so happy with one another.
I’m happy for them, too.
I’m frustrated because this whole dissatisfaction with my life is pointless right now, because it seems that there’s no one here, in this whole town, at my school, anywhere nearby, who I would want to date, and even if I found someone, I’m going to Europe in seven months and I’m going to be there for a year. So if I found someone now, I’d just have to leave them.
Casual hook-ups don’t cut it.
All of my gay friends are either living somewhere else, or I never see them on a regular basis.
When I think about how I’m so unconfident in coming out, I think about how much fear I have. Fear of what people will think, what that’ll mean for me day to day, and how that’s influenced how I behave in terms of dating (or not-dating, to be specific). There’s also dissatisfaction with my physical appearance, which has to factor in. Lack of confidence. It’s so weird. I love public speaking. I’m popular with my friends. I have awesome grades. I’ve been accepted to law school. I have a supportive, loving family. Big wardrobe, a laptop, the car whenever I want it, whatever. Life is GOOD. But here I am in a big funk.
I know it’s totally momentary, though. I am generally a very sunny, optimistic, happy person. But I think when this aspect of my life gets shoved in my face I am forced to see how much it doesn’t measure up to what I want it to be. A lot of the rest of my life does, but not this. And how do I usually deal? I ignore it. I busy myself with all the other crap in my life, and there’s a lot of it. So much that it can almost completely block out the frustration. Is this a healthy way to cope? I say yes, and rationalize it by saying it’s a practical way of coping. I am going to Europe after all, and then law school, away. No need to get tied down now. Wouldn’t be practical. And I have a very busy life. Relationships take energy and commitment and time. I’m never sure whether these are rationalizations or actual good reasons.


Anyway. (I have a feeling that a lot of the rest of this is going to be just a report of what I did). So Six and I drove up, he drove. It was fun. Alex unfortunately had to drive his brother to the airport so couldn’t meet up with us when we arrived. The arrangement was for me to stay with Alex, and Six to stay with Vince, in his room in res. So I got to meet Vince when we arrived just after dark. He was shorter than I’d expected. Cuter, somehow. I’d seen pics of him, but still. More talkative than I’d expected. Nice, funny, smart. He’s in education, going to be a teacher. He seems tolerant. Which is good if he’s with Six. We went out to eat. It was a really nice meal. I was liking Vince way more than I’d expected to. Stopped at the liquor store to stock up for Saturday night, bumped into an old friend. Then back to res. Me and V went up to visit a mutual friend of ours upstairs. Played guitar hero – mutual friend was amazing, and you’d never expect her to be. I don’t know if V’s told her he’s gay, though she doubtless knows anyway. Back to V’s room because Alex had called and said he was on his way. Both Alex and Six had expressed some anxiety about meeting each other. Mostly because V and Alex used to date, if only for a month. But it was fine, they met, it went well. Six had gotten a bit drunk, but not too much. Alex and I left them to their fun (I’d stepped out of the bathroom one time to find them making out on the bed – I thought it was cute – they stopped right away), and we said we’d all see each other the next day.

Back to Alex’s. He had his brothers van which is old and stinky and hilarious because everything tends to break. Or has already broken. Met people at Alex’s place, some of whom I’d met the last time I was down. Alex had insisted on giving me his bed. He’s a sweety. Definitely the most selfless person I know, in so many ways. He introduced me to World of Warcraft. It seemed pretty fun. I used to play video games and computer games a lot more, but haven’t much the last few years. It was nice to just lose myself in the game for a bit. Bed by 2-something.

Next day started off lazily. Slept in till 10-something. Most of the day was spent either playing WoW, or writing a speech for Comm class, figuring out that I couldn’t do anything with the thesis data I had because I needed more data that I hadn’t brought with me, emailing my sister asking her to send it to me, facebooking with Alex, talking to his roommates (only a little though), and msging V and Six to see when they wanted to hang out. Oh, and Alex showed me a few cartoons that he liked (he’s recently gotten into Anime… I’m not a huge fan, but I’m not bored by it, so it was cool).

Alex decided to join V and Six and I for food at a restaurant, after some convincing, but not to eat. Which was different. I think it’s because of money issues, but also just that Alex was feeling more anxiety about hanging out with Six and V together. I had a nice time, still enjoying V (he and I did almost all of the talking during the meal). Six and Alex almost didn’t talk at all, it was awkward. Alex and I went back to his place, and he said he felt SO bad about the meal, that it was his fault it was awkward, that he didn’t know how to interact with Six, that them being together was just too much for him right now (he did have a pretty big thing for V, but I thought he was mostly over it at that point). I tried to tell him that sometimes awkwardness just happens and that he shouldn’t read into it that much. He’d hardly had a chance to get to know Six really. But he was almost ready to decide to back off on his friendships with both of them. Anyway, then we went and picked them up and drove them back to Alex’s, where everyone was gathering to drink. There were maybe… 15-20 people there that night. Anyway, once we all started drinking, as I’d thought would happen, stress sort of just went away. We’re all generally nice, funny, friendly people, so naturally everyone would get along, once you just get that social lubricant in there, alcohol. All was well. One thing that also helped, oddly enough, was that Six smokes. Really my only close friend who does. He would occasionally go out onto the back step to have a cigarette, and since V hates that he smokes, he would never join him. So, the first time this happened, I went out and talked to Six, cuz I hadn’t really had a chance to talk to him one on one since the car ride. Just wanted to check to see how things were going with V. They were going great. I was(am) SO happy for him. Six has been hurt by guys in the past, and it’s nice to see him with a guy like V. Six also said a week or two ago that my approval of the guy he was dating meant a lot to him, and I certainly liked V. It was nice. Anyway, so the fact that he was out smoking on the patio meant that Alex then also had a chance to interact with him without V being there, which I think contributed to the anxiety. So it was great! It was me and Six, then me and Six and Alex, V stepped out once to be mad at Six that he was smoking, and then I decided to leave Alex and Six alone out there because they were getting along so well! It was nice. The rest of the night consisted of MarioCart64, painting a beer logo on the wall, taking lots of awesome random pictures, laying around in Alex’s bedroom talking and laughing and pushing, listening to music, alternately what Alex liked and Six hated (Feist), and then vice versa (Fleetwood Mac), plus lots of other stuff. Also, searching for Six’s camera once we lost it, talking more to Six whenever he went outside to smoke, watching Little Britain (which I’m still not a huge fan of, though parts of it are funny.. “Computer says no...” lol) on YouTube, and finally finding Six’s camera. We never did get a group shot unfortunately. V and Six decided to leave around 11-something. I stopped drinking then, and talked to Alex for a while, and then played WoW till 3am. Couldn’t sleep because the party didn’t end till 4-something, when Alex went upstairs and made those still up turn off the music.

Next day was today, doesn’t feel like it though. Lounging at Alex’s, playing WoW (for the record, I’m now a level 10 Blood Elf Mage – fun game. Huge.) searching for my hat. Got up at 11-something, left at 2:30pm. Never got to say goodbye to V, so I sent him an email once I got home. Drive home was a little quieter, we talked a bit more seriously about stuff. The future, dating, guys, V in particular but others and also more generally, the complexities of gay relationships, including homophobic families, coming out, but other stuff too like music and skiing and food and how we plan on moving away. Though I think Six would be happier staying here than I would. Music was similar, but way more diverse, V having made Six a mixed CD with, like, 160 songs on it or something. Six loves it.

So overall it was a fun weekend. I had a ball at Alex’s last night. But the whole trip gave me stuff to think about. Or, it gave me a lot of stuff I’m going to probably stop thinking about soon, because I have so much work to do on my thesis, plus everything else. I’ll tell Rachel and Shannon about the trip first chance I get. Maybe even go into some of what I’m feeling? That would be new. Haven’t really discussed this kind of stuff with them before – even though I’ve known them for what seems like forever (jr. high school).


My mood is ‘blah,’ so hopefully this blog doesn’t seem ‘blah.’ Lol

I’ve been invited by all parties (Alex, V, Six) to come along next time Six’s visiting V. I’d like that, if I don’t have too much crap to do in three weeks, or whenever he’s going back. I’ll take more with me to do next time, too, school-work-wise.

Bed time.