I think I’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with Vince and Six’s relationship. Well, maybe it’s not an obsession, but it’s a …preoccupation, there’s the word. Maybe it’s how I channel my suppressed jealousy. I’m attracted to both of them, physically. And mentally a little bit, too. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be as attracted to Vince if I was around him all the time… but the only reason I say that is because I’m not around him at all, and haven’t really spent any extended amount of time with him. And I automatically assume I wouldn’t like him as much if I was around him all the time. Reasonable..? So I suppose I might actually like him more in that situation, but who knows. Six I already know how I feel about him. We’ve been friends for years, since 2004. I’m attracted to him physically, and he to me apparently, but he’s got issues that prevent me from liking him as any more than a friend. He’s still got issues about being gay (… don’t we all, but still, his are larger), he’s a bit too negative and cynical, as much as that can be funny sometimes, he’s a drop-out who continues to not go back to school, he smokes, AND he’s paranoid. Now, these only matter in judging him as a potential boyfriend. In terms of being a friend, the only thing I can fault him with is that he’s not the absolute best to go to for comfort, and he’s paranoid. Both of which are get-around-able. Vince I’ve yet to really get to know, aside from our online chats, and that one weekend. But still, they both have occupied far too many of my thoughts lately. Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression – I don’t think I’ve ever thought of them at school, which takes up a lot of my time. Ok that’s a lie, but not very often anyway. But still. I can’t go online without thinking about them. Just, either one or the other, or both, or spending time with both of them again. Alex would have to be around, too, but he’s not part of my preoccupation. And you know, it’s totally idealizing them, and their relationship, and building it up into this wonderful, perfect thing of which I’m envious and for which I’m happy.
I did this exact thing with Thomas and Rebecca, two friends who’ve since moved away. They were much more ideal in reality than Vince and Six, at least in my eyes. Both of them were geniuses, first of all. Awards and scholarships galore, and they won even more upon acceptance to their grad schools. They’re also both extremely friendly, community minded, politically aware intellectuals, but at the same time they’re approachable and funny and weird. In my eyes they're nearly flawless. I loved them then and I still do now. I totally idealized their relationship, and I suppose them as individuals to a certain extent. I wanted to be around them, I enjoyed them, and I just knew they’d be together forever. Of course, this was doomed, and they broke up shortly after leaving for different grad schools. To me, once I heard, it was as if the world had gone mad. I was totally unprepared for the break-up (not as much as Thomas, apparently, but whatever). This event definitely contributed to the somewhat fatalistic attitude that I now hold towards relationships. But this attitude is still buried beneath a romantic, sentimental, sappy layer within me that I think has led to this current thing for Vince and Six. It seems I can’t help but let this happen.
I must admit that I think part of the thing I’ve got for them is due to the absence of gay friends in my day-to-day life. I SO enjoyed having that when I went and hung out with them and Alex that weekend. So, this is a temporary feeling. All I have to do is find some new gay friends lol.
Six and Vince had their first big argument last Sunday, a week ago. I was at work when it happened, but Six had msged me on facebook as soon as the whole thing got going. Which says something about how upset he was, because Six NEVER msgs me. On msn or facebook or just email, or anything. I always have to start the convo. He’ll keep it going, even invite me places and stuff. But he never starts it. It’s odd. And on occasion supremely annoying. Anyway. Apparently, Vince had been drinking in someone else’s dorm room, at some party or something. It took place in Vince’s res. Anyway, Vince’s friend G was in attendance, too. One of Vince’s few gay friends, and also one of the few people he’s out to. So they all got drunk, and then the party ended in the night sometime, at which point Vince learned that G had no way of getting back to his apartment aside from walking. It was an approx. 20min walk. On a windy, frigid winter night. So Vince, the nice guy that he is, said to G that he could just stay in his room for the night, and walk home in the morning. Thought nothing of it. They stayed up for a while talking and YouTubing or whatever, talking a lot about their respective boyfriends apparently, and then went to sleep. Both slept in the same bed, though not under the same covers, or something. PS this is all Vince’s version of events, although I do believe it. Six was aware that G was there, because he chatted to Vince after Vince had gotten back to his room with G after the party, and they’d used a webcam. Six was a kind of upset that the whole G staying over thing was taking place.
Next day, sometime around lunch time, Vince clicked on Six, tried to make some small talk, but Six was upset about the night before, so he wasn’t being very conversational. One word answers and such. Eventually Vince, gently, was like, is something wrong? And then, are you upset about last night? And after a bit of Six being like, I don’t want to argue on msn, and then, I don’t want to argue when we’re far apart, he eventually just let it out, how upset he was about the night before. Anyway, I won’t go into the gory details, even though Six told me absolutely everything. Just sent me the msg history. It was, frankly, depressing to read. I felt a little bit like I was intruding, even just reading the thing, and also pretty upset just because they both got so upset. Like, tears upset. Six was totally the angry one, and Vince was totally the apologetic one… ughh it makes me sad to just think about the whole thing. Anyway, I quickly encouraged a phone call- I would NEVER want a fight of any emotional import to take place over msn. Ever. It’s nice as a casual chatting medium, or information exchange, or something through which you can chat to people you’ve found online. But not for anything too serious. I mean, I’ve done it, argue, talk about big important things, but it’s not my first choice. Alex and I were chatting as I crisis-controlled Six. He’d been doing the same thing for an hour. Apparently Six had also turned to a few other people for advice, some of whom were not the most wholesome, and just reflected Six’s confusion/distress back to him, amplifying it. Both Alex and I tried to calm things down and encourage phone calls. Eventually this happened, and they made up, and all was well. I briefly chatted to Vince a few days later, and tried to be supportive to him, too, just so he would know I was still behind this relationship.
I’m very wary of trying to be a support for both of them, however. I tried to do this with a past relationship of Six’s, with S. I’d started chatting with S summer before last. Six met S that Christmas, and they started dating before December was through. It was Six’s first serious relationship where he really fell for the guy. It was also S’s first serious relationship. Six was 20. S was… 18 I think. I thought that S was a nice person. They appeared to be happy, and in love, and I was happy for them. I never actually met S. (My relationship with Six is weird, it’s only started to become a bit normal this year. But anyway, that’s for another entry). So my judgments of S were based only on online chats. But still. He was young, but he seemed nice. At least fairly mature. Anyway, as you might’ve guessed, this relationship came to a rather untimely end. A very awkward, messy, untimely end. I forget when exactly. The whole thing only lasted for a few months, although in my mind it takes up a larger portion of time because of how strongly they felt for each other, and because of the lasting impact it’s left on Six. I mentioned that I’d started chatting with S that summer. Well, we continued chatting all throughout that fall, and through the winter, during the whole relationship with Six. At first, this was awesome. I felt like I was the confidant of both of them, and I could calm things down between then if there was a fight, I could open communication channels if they were blocked, and I could also be in the know about everything that was going on with them. I liked both of them and they both seemed to appreciate having me to talk to. Now around the mid-way point of the relationship, I started to realized that I was starting to play for both sides, so to speak. Sympathizing with both of them, often in a way that I wouldn’t really want the other guy to know about. Sort of like a… “I’m really on your side” kind of thing, to each of them. I don’t think I realized what a bad situation I was creating for myself. But still, they both seemed to appreciate me, a lot, so I kept doing it. As things started to get weird between them, the whole thing began started to get somewhat stressful for me. I had to really start, not lying, but really crafting how I interacted with both of them so as to keep the appearance that I was just as close with each of them as I’d always been, even though at that point it would have been impossible because they were really not getting along. I was lying to one or the other, but I could never really tell which. Truthfully, if I had to choose who I was being more truthful towards, it would’ve been S, unfortunately, because I often find Six too emotionally unstable, a bit too reactive, a bit too.. paranoid, I’ve mentioned that lol. Not that S wasn’t being unreasonable sometimes, too. But anyway. Six started asking me what S was saying about him. S started asking the same thing. I’d always been open about the fact that I chatted to both of them a lot. This is where everything really got out of control. Unfortunately, even though I hadn’t been completely truthful with either of them about how I felt about what was going on with their relationship, and how I judged the decisions they were making in terms of what they were saying to each other, and how they were treating each other, I’d still developed a sense of loyalty to each of them. As in, I would never really sell one out to the other. If one of them told me something in confidence, I would never share it with the other. I’d only really lie about what I was feeling about things, so as to appear more in line with what either S, or Six, was venting about, depending on which one I was chatting with. This sounds like I’m a terrible person, and maybe I was, but I’ve certainly learned my lesson. Anyway, so they started asking more directly about what the other one was saying about them. And of course, I couldn’t really reveal anything explicit, I’d just try to give vague positive impressions of things. Six especially wanted more information, and when I refused on the grounds that S was my friend too – yikes. He felt so betrayed. He said some pretty hurtful things to me. Fortunately, I’d been in arguments with him before, and I knew he had a tendency towards the melodramatic, if perhaps unintentionally. So I didn’t get very hurt by anything he said, but it certainly put a strain on our relationship. S never really got too upset, he seemed to understand a bit more what my predicament was. Eventually Six and I got past the whole him feeling betrayed by me – he had a lot more anger and sense of betrayal toward S than he ever had toward me. But it continued to come up now and then over the following months. That’s one thing about Six, he doesn’t let things go. He’ll bring it up, use it as a jab, but then quickly say “anyway” or “but whatever” and interject some new topic. I hate this. Either address the issue, and resolve it, or bury it and don’t bring it up ever again. Unfortunately I could never really get angry at him when he’d bring it up because I felt guilty over the whole thing. During the break-up, Six had used the argument that he and I were better friends than S and I, and so I should spill S’s secrets to Six out of loyalty to Six. This of course discounted any loyalty I felt towards S, which I couldn’t do. Even though, and I agreed with Six on this one, I had never met S in real life, and I really did have far less of a friendship with S than with Six. But I still couldn’t bring myself to betray S like that. As much as Six felt betrayed by me withholding information from him, I never saw that as real betrayal. Telling Six everything, however, would have been.
So we eventually moved past it. The larger issue for Six, of course, was the break-up itself, and the betrayal he felt at S. I think he still finds it very difficult to really fully trust a boyfriend again. I’m sure this affects how he behaves in his current relationship. The larger issue for me was that I could never again put myself in a situation like that, where I was on both sides of a relationship. So really, when I’d blocked Vince before he and Six started dating, after they started dating I was glad that I wouldn’t have the opportunity of getting to know Vince, because then I’d never be the middle person again. But then Six asked me to give him another chance, and then I went up to see Vince and Alex with Six. And I really liked Vince! So now my goal is to somehow be friendly with Vince, but remain definitely on Six’s side. Hopefully the situation won’t have to be framed in terms of “sides,” I’d rather just be an observer. But seeing as I am Six’s friend, and we’ve been friends for years, and we share stuff with each other, I will not put myself in a position where I feel loyalty to a guy who is causing him so much pain.
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In other news, my grandmother is completely losing her mind. It’s pretty sad if you think about it too hard, but she is happy, she lives at home with her husband, my grandfather. They have the best of care (hired). Lots of creature comforts. And really, she can be quite funny, if you indulge the repetitive questions and comments, which of course we all do. We went to their place for supper tonight, brought all the food with us. Beth, my sister, and I always really enjoy our grandparents, they always make us laugh hysterically. They’re in their late 80’s now. Hopefully they’ll stick around for a while longer. I think when they go it’ll be the first time death really touches close to me. I’ve lost a gazillion older relatives over the years, been to more wakes and funerals than I can remember, but I was never terribly close to any of them. Sure it was sad, and I may have shed a tear or two here and there, but no one really close to me has ever died. This is definitely a temporary state of affairs.
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I’m going to accept my first, and so far only, offer from a law school this week. Put down my non-refundable deposit. The deadline is the end of the month, and I’ve yet to hear from any of the other schools I’ve applied to. I’ll be more than happy attending this school… but it’s not my first choice. It’s my third. Though first, second and third are all rather close in terms of how glad I’d be to attend there. There’s also a fourth choice, which I already don’t really care about anymore because my third accepted me. My first choice is somewhat more competitive, so I’m trying to be defensively pessimistic about my chance of being accepted. But I can’t help but hope. If I do get accepted there, or my second choice, then I’ll just let my third choice keep my non-refundable, and I’ll accept to the first or second. I might not hear for months, unfortunately.
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I have a crush. I think. My last real crush moved away summer before last. I’d hardly had any time to even learn if he was gay. We’re facebook friends though, so I keep tabs on him lol. Still inconclusive. Anyway, this new guy, Liam, he’s in a class with me. A comm class. I noticed him in the first class, thought he was cute, in a dorky kind of way. He’s kinda short, longish hair, though not really long, not like, shoulder long, just got a lot of it. He had glasses that first day, though he hasn’t since. He’s a first-year. He gave a speech the other day that was really touching. I made an excuse to talk to the prof so I could learn his name. Since then I’ve been trying to find a way to catch up with him in the hall sometime to tell him I liked his speech. Seemed like the best way to start a convo. Unfortunately, there’s this girl he’s always with. Lisa. I’m hoping she’s just a friend and not a girlfriend. Another first year. She also gave a good speech, technically better than Liam’s. Though not as touching. Maybe because Lisa’s was more polished, while Liam’s was more… earnest and unpolished. I like her contributions to class discussions; they’re intelligent, and articulate, in a soft-spoken kind of way. So she does present somewhat of a challenge to talking to him, but I think I could reasonably talk to both of them at once. Anyway, I couldn’t find an opening this week. But then, today, coming home from work at the library, I passed him in the parking lot! I work at the university, and he lives in res. He was just walking by with a guy friend. I looked up, realized it was him, smiled, just as he seemed to do the same thing, I said hi, quietly (I’m generally dissatisfied with my casual hi’s, I don’t think they have enough umph to them, but whatever), and he said hi back! In that shy little way he has. This made me really happy lol. I’d never interacted with him before, so, I’m hoping this is a nice first step. It’ll make it easier to start that initial convo.
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I could probably keep going, but this is a bit of a mammoth entry lol. I’m half watching Twisted with Dad on Bravo… it’s pretty dark. A movie, for those who’ve never heard of it.
ciao
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Rocket Man
I kind of feel like my life is about to launch or something. Like, there’s one of those countdowns on, and as soon as I graduate, I’m going to just blast-off. It’s a wonderful feeling. It’s exciting.
My last email was a bit morose – I rarely, rarely am in a bad mood like that, and naturally by the next day I was super happy. The good parts are what I tend to dwell on if you give me time. Plus on Monday I was thrust back into my normal life, which does make me feel fairly content, if only because it’s so busy and people-filled. And the weekend was SO awesome. I felt literally like I was on a high or something on Tuesday night. I ended up calling Shannon and having an enormous, deep, fun conversation with her. Like, almost three hours long I think. She told me all about this drama at school. She had accidentally blurted to this girl that this girl's boyfriend had been cheating on her (I’d told Shannon about the cheating, in confidence, but we’d both thought that this girl had known the full story, that the boyfriend had confessed – but he actually hadn’t. He and the other cheater had fabricated a story that they were both sticking to. Whoops lol). (Anyway, that’s since been resolved). We talked about the future. We talked about all the crap that Shannon has to do right now. We talked about all the crap I have to do right now. We’re both doing theses. Blah. Then I told her all about my weekend, which she loved. I told her the entire back story. Like, the ENTIRE story. All about me chatting to Vince, and Six, and Alex all separately, and then Alex meeting and dating Vince, and then them breaking up, and then Alex meeting Six online, and then the entire fight I had with Vince online because he lied over something stupid, and then me blocking him, and then Vince coming here to do his practicum, and then he and Six starting to date, and then me unblocking Vince at mostly Six’s request but also a little bit of Alex’s, and then he and I making up, and then all of them inviting me down for the weekend. That took a while, it’s like a soap. And then the whole weekend was recounted, too. Which led to this big conversation about me being in the closet and what she and our other friends had been thinking through different situations over the years. Everyone’s so shocked at my “secret life,” all these guys I’ve met through the internet and developed friendships with, without my straight friends knowing about it. I was so sneaky lol. It’s so nice to be out! You get to deepen your friendships.
After that I chatted to Alex for a bit, and went on a bit too long about how adorable Six and Vince are together. I kind of forget that Alex and Vince dated through September. I ended up being totally insensitive and then apologizing the next day. I so would never want to hurt Alex… I just get swept up in the whole Six and Vince are in love and I’m SO happy for them. It’s so nice when two people who you like find happiness with each other. Sappy, I know, but I can be pretty sentimental. I cried today while rushing to finish a short story before I rushed to anatomy class. The main character died in the end! Quite moving. Anyway.
Six told me last night he’s applying to a journalism program! Now, this must be the sixth time he’s told me he’s applying somewhere, and they’ve all been different places and he’s never actually gone through with it. He started university at my school when I was in second year, but then he dropped out a little over half way through. Dealing with being gay was definitely a contributing factor, in my opinion. He’s come such a long way since I met him. I really, really hope that this program works out. We’ll see. He wants to apply tomorrow. I’ll check in with him.
I finally met up with my supervisor today. She’s so awesome! Yet she intimidates me more than anyone else. I love her, and am scared of her all at once. I jump at the chance to work with her or impress her, but I find I avoid her if I’m at all nervous about something. It’s weird. I’ll be glad when this thesis is behind me. It’s way too stressful.
Six is going back to visit Vince on the weekend of Feb. 8th. I really hope I can go. I’m having a meeting with my sup on Saturday, after which I can really buckle down and get a lot of work done. And as long as I keep staying on top of all my other course work… everything should work out! Two other trips are planned this semester. One to tour a law school in mid Feb., and the other to a biology conference in March. If I go on all of these including the one on the 8th , it might be my most travelled semester yet. I was also invited to go with Shannon to see Megan at her school at the end of the month, but it’s way farther, and I’d have to buy a bus ticket… and I’m too cheap. And frankly, I’d rather use a free weekend to go see Alex and Vince with Six than to see Megan. Even though she’s one of my closest friends and I have never actually been to visit her at her school in the last three years.
I’ve been meaning to call Rachel. Her brother got in a car accident (that I’m not suppose to talk about), and she’s also having people over this weekend. And she wants to hear about my weekend away. I also need to call Jocelyn, who called me, like, two weeks ago! and then I had to let her go because I was going out. I feel really bad. I suck at calling her! She’s going to be in England next year while I’m in France, so we’re definitely hanging out. She wants to go to Prague together. Maybe Rachel will be there too, just for fun for a few days. I’d love it!
Anyway, gotta go snack and send a gazillion emails and eat something.
My last email was a bit morose – I rarely, rarely am in a bad mood like that, and naturally by the next day I was super happy. The good parts are what I tend to dwell on if you give me time. Plus on Monday I was thrust back into my normal life, which does make me feel fairly content, if only because it’s so busy and people-filled. And the weekend was SO awesome. I felt literally like I was on a high or something on Tuesday night. I ended up calling Shannon and having an enormous, deep, fun conversation with her. Like, almost three hours long I think. She told me all about this drama at school. She had accidentally blurted to this girl that this girl's boyfriend had been cheating on her (I’d told Shannon about the cheating, in confidence, but we’d both thought that this girl had known the full story, that the boyfriend had confessed – but he actually hadn’t. He and the other cheater had fabricated a story that they were both sticking to. Whoops lol). (Anyway, that’s since been resolved). We talked about the future. We talked about all the crap that Shannon has to do right now. We talked about all the crap I have to do right now. We’re both doing theses. Blah. Then I told her all about my weekend, which she loved. I told her the entire back story. Like, the ENTIRE story. All about me chatting to Vince, and Six, and Alex all separately, and then Alex meeting and dating Vince, and then them breaking up, and then Alex meeting Six online, and then the entire fight I had with Vince online because he lied over something stupid, and then me blocking him, and then Vince coming here to do his practicum, and then he and Six starting to date, and then me unblocking Vince at mostly Six’s request but also a little bit of Alex’s, and then he and I making up, and then all of them inviting me down for the weekend. That took a while, it’s like a soap. And then the whole weekend was recounted, too. Which led to this big conversation about me being in the closet and what she and our other friends had been thinking through different situations over the years. Everyone’s so shocked at my “secret life,” all these guys I’ve met through the internet and developed friendships with, without my straight friends knowing about it. I was so sneaky lol. It’s so nice to be out! You get to deepen your friendships.
After that I chatted to Alex for a bit, and went on a bit too long about how adorable Six and Vince are together. I kind of forget that Alex and Vince dated through September. I ended up being totally insensitive and then apologizing the next day. I so would never want to hurt Alex… I just get swept up in the whole Six and Vince are in love and I’m SO happy for them. It’s so nice when two people who you like find happiness with each other. Sappy, I know, but I can be pretty sentimental. I cried today while rushing to finish a short story before I rushed to anatomy class. The main character died in the end! Quite moving. Anyway.
Six told me last night he’s applying to a journalism program! Now, this must be the sixth time he’s told me he’s applying somewhere, and they’ve all been different places and he’s never actually gone through with it. He started university at my school when I was in second year, but then he dropped out a little over half way through. Dealing with being gay was definitely a contributing factor, in my opinion. He’s come such a long way since I met him. I really, really hope that this program works out. We’ll see. He wants to apply tomorrow. I’ll check in with him.
I finally met up with my supervisor today. She’s so awesome! Yet she intimidates me more than anyone else. I love her, and am scared of her all at once. I jump at the chance to work with her or impress her, but I find I avoid her if I’m at all nervous about something. It’s weird. I’ll be glad when this thesis is behind me. It’s way too stressful.
Six is going back to visit Vince on the weekend of Feb. 8th. I really hope I can go. I’m having a meeting with my sup on Saturday, after which I can really buckle down and get a lot of work done. And as long as I keep staying on top of all my other course work… everything should work out! Two other trips are planned this semester. One to tour a law school in mid Feb., and the other to a biology conference in March. If I go on all of these including the one on the 8th , it might be my most travelled semester yet. I was also invited to go with Shannon to see Megan at her school at the end of the month, but it’s way farther, and I’d have to buy a bus ticket… and I’m too cheap. And frankly, I’d rather use a free weekend to go see Alex and Vince with Six than to see Megan. Even though she’s one of my closest friends and I have never actually been to visit her at her school in the last three years.
I’ve been meaning to call Rachel. Her brother got in a car accident (that I’m not suppose to talk about), and she’s also having people over this weekend. And she wants to hear about my weekend away. I also need to call Jocelyn, who called me, like, two weeks ago! and then I had to let her go because I was going out. I feel really bad. I suck at calling her! She’s going to be in England next year while I’m in France, so we’re definitely hanging out. She wants to go to Prague together. Maybe Rachel will be there too, just for fun for a few days. I’d love it!
Anyway, gotta go snack and send a gazillion emails and eat something.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Weekend Trip
I just got back from visiting Alex. I had a great time, and I feel the need to verbalize everything. Or rather, put in written form, or whatever. Anyway.
Six picked me up at 1:30pm on Friday. I only had one class on Friday, and it ended at 12:45, so I had just enough time talk to the prof, get home, finish getting ready and jump in his car. The ride there was perfect. We listened to his CD, which only had, like, 14 songs on it, most of which I don’t even really like that much. Fleetwood Mac, and other mostly 80’s tunes. Don’t hate them though, and I have a high tolerance for music that I don’t like, so it was cool. We talked about lots of random things, like the state of the highway, and provincial politics, and random guys we both know at home, and the state of his relationship with Vince, which is bright. I hadn’t met Vince at this point. My opinion of him was framed by what Six had told me, and what Alex had told me, and what I’d gathered from chatting to him myself. Mostly positive.
Ok I wanted to just write all about the weekend, but I want to get this out first.
This is going to be kind of a Free-Write, just typing whatever I’m feeling, but I’ll try to be coherent:
I feel a whole bunch of things all at once tonight. Reminds me of how I felt after visiting Alex the last time, though that was about 2 years ago.
I’m tired, first of all, which probably has a larger influence over how I’m feeling than I think.
I’m sad I don’t have a boyfriend. Sad is a bit of a simplistic way to phrase it though. Sad/frustrated/angry/envious/bitter/drained is a better combo of words to describe the feeling.
I’m angry at myself for not choosing a path years back that would’ve put me in a different place right now, both in terms of coming out sooner, and dating, and maybe being with someone right now.
I’m jealous of both Six and Vince for being together, and having each other, and being so happy with one another.
I’m happy for them, too.
I’m frustrated because this whole dissatisfaction with my life is pointless right now, because it seems that there’s no one here, in this whole town, at my school, anywhere nearby, who I would want to date, and even if I found someone, I’m going to Europe in seven months and I’m going to be there for a year. So if I found someone now, I’d just have to leave them.
Casual hook-ups don’t cut it.
All of my gay friends are either living somewhere else, or I never see them on a regular basis.
When I think about how I’m so unconfident in coming out, I think about how much fear I have. Fear of what people will think, what that’ll mean for me day to day, and how that’s influenced how I behave in terms of dating (or not-dating, to be specific). There’s also dissatisfaction with my physical appearance, which has to factor in. Lack of confidence. It’s so weird. I love public speaking. I’m popular with my friends. I have awesome grades. I’ve been accepted to law school. I have a supportive, loving family. Big wardrobe, a laptop, the car whenever I want it, whatever. Life is GOOD. But here I am in a big funk.
I know it’s totally momentary, though. I am generally a very sunny, optimistic, happy person. But I think when this aspect of my life gets shoved in my face I am forced to see how much it doesn’t measure up to what I want it to be. A lot of the rest of my life does, but not this. And how do I usually deal? I ignore it. I busy myself with all the other crap in my life, and there’s a lot of it. So much that it can almost completely block out the frustration. Is this a healthy way to cope? I say yes, and rationalize it by saying it’s a practical way of coping. I am going to Europe after all, and then law school, away. No need to get tied down now. Wouldn’t be practical. And I have a very busy life. Relationships take energy and commitment and time. I’m never sure whether these are rationalizations or actual good reasons.
Anyway. (I have a feeling that a lot of the rest of this is going to be just a report of what I did). So Six and I drove up, he drove. It was fun. Alex unfortunately had to drive his brother to the airport so couldn’t meet up with us when we arrived. The arrangement was for me to stay with Alex, and Six to stay with Vince, in his room in res. So I got to meet Vince when we arrived just after dark. He was shorter than I’d expected. Cuter, somehow. I’d seen pics of him, but still. More talkative than I’d expected. Nice, funny, smart. He’s in education, going to be a teacher. He seems tolerant. Which is good if he’s with Six. We went out to eat. It was a really nice meal. I was liking Vince way more than I’d expected to. Stopped at the liquor store to stock up for Saturday night, bumped into an old friend. Then back to res. Me and V went up to visit a mutual friend of ours upstairs. Played guitar hero – mutual friend was amazing, and you’d never expect her to be. I don’t know if V’s told her he’s gay, though she doubtless knows anyway. Back to V’s room because Alex had called and said he was on his way. Both Alex and Six had expressed some anxiety about meeting each other. Mostly because V and Alex used to date, if only for a month. But it was fine, they met, it went well. Six had gotten a bit drunk, but not too much. Alex and I left them to their fun (I’d stepped out of the bathroom one time to find them making out on the bed – I thought it was cute – they stopped right away), and we said we’d all see each other the next day.
Back to Alex’s. He had his brothers van which is old and stinky and hilarious because everything tends to break. Or has already broken. Met people at Alex’s place, some of whom I’d met the last time I was down. Alex had insisted on giving me his bed. He’s a sweety. Definitely the most selfless person I know, in so many ways. He introduced me to World of Warcraft. It seemed pretty fun. I used to play video games and computer games a lot more, but haven’t much the last few years. It was nice to just lose myself in the game for a bit. Bed by 2-something.
Next day started off lazily. Slept in till 10-something. Most of the day was spent either playing WoW, or writing a speech for Comm class, figuring out that I couldn’t do anything with the thesis data I had because I needed more data that I hadn’t brought with me, emailing my sister asking her to send it to me, facebooking with Alex, talking to his roommates (only a little though), and msging V and Six to see when they wanted to hang out. Oh, and Alex showed me a few cartoons that he liked (he’s recently gotten into Anime… I’m not a huge fan, but I’m not bored by it, so it was cool).
Alex decided to join V and Six and I for food at a restaurant, after some convincing, but not to eat. Which was different. I think it’s because of money issues, but also just that Alex was feeling more anxiety about hanging out with Six and V together. I had a nice time, still enjoying V (he and I did almost all of the talking during the meal). Six and Alex almost didn’t talk at all, it was awkward. Alex and I went back to his place, and he said he felt SO bad about the meal, that it was his fault it was awkward, that he didn’t know how to interact with Six, that them being together was just too much for him right now (he did have a pretty big thing for V, but I thought he was mostly over it at that point). I tried to tell him that sometimes awkwardness just happens and that he shouldn’t read into it that much. He’d hardly had a chance to get to know Six really. But he was almost ready to decide to back off on his friendships with both of them. Anyway, then we went and picked them up and drove them back to Alex’s, where everyone was gathering to drink. There were maybe… 15-20 people there that night. Anyway, once we all started drinking, as I’d thought would happen, stress sort of just went away. We’re all generally nice, funny, friendly people, so naturally everyone would get along, once you just get that social lubricant in there, alcohol. All was well. One thing that also helped, oddly enough, was that Six smokes. Really my only close friend who does. He would occasionally go out onto the back step to have a cigarette, and since V hates that he smokes, he would never join him. So, the first time this happened, I went out and talked to Six, cuz I hadn’t really had a chance to talk to him one on one since the car ride. Just wanted to check to see how things were going with V. They were going great. I was(am) SO happy for him. Six has been hurt by guys in the past, and it’s nice to see him with a guy like V. Six also said a week or two ago that my approval of the guy he was dating meant a lot to him, and I certainly liked V. It was nice. Anyway, so the fact that he was out smoking on the patio meant that Alex then also had a chance to interact with him without V being there, which I think contributed to the anxiety. So it was great! It was me and Six, then me and Six and Alex, V stepped out once to be mad at Six that he was smoking, and then I decided to leave Alex and Six alone out there because they were getting along so well! It was nice. The rest of the night consisted of MarioCart64, painting a beer logo on the wall, taking lots of awesome random pictures, laying around in Alex’s bedroom talking and laughing and pushing, listening to music, alternately what Alex liked and Six hated (Feist), and then vice versa (Fleetwood Mac), plus lots of other stuff. Also, searching for Six’s camera once we lost it, talking more to Six whenever he went outside to smoke, watching Little Britain (which I’m still not a huge fan of, though parts of it are funny.. “Computer says no...” lol) on YouTube, and finally finding Six’s camera. We never did get a group shot unfortunately. V and Six decided to leave around 11-something. I stopped drinking then, and talked to Alex for a while, and then played WoW till 3am. Couldn’t sleep because the party didn’t end till 4-something, when Alex went upstairs and made those still up turn off the music.
Next day was today, doesn’t feel like it though. Lounging at Alex’s, playing WoW (for the record, I’m now a level 10 Blood Elf Mage – fun game. Huge.) searching for my hat. Got up at 11-something, left at 2:30pm. Never got to say goodbye to V, so I sent him an email once I got home. Drive home was a little quieter, we talked a bit more seriously about stuff. The future, dating, guys, V in particular but others and also more generally, the complexities of gay relationships, including homophobic families, coming out, but other stuff too like music and skiing and food and how we plan on moving away. Though I think Six would be happier staying here than I would. Music was similar, but way more diverse, V having made Six a mixed CD with, like, 160 songs on it or something. Six loves it.
So overall it was a fun weekend. I had a ball at Alex’s last night. But the whole trip gave me stuff to think about. Or, it gave me a lot of stuff I’m going to probably stop thinking about soon, because I have so much work to do on my thesis, plus everything else. I’ll tell Rachel and Shannon about the trip first chance I get. Maybe even go into some of what I’m feeling? That would be new. Haven’t really discussed this kind of stuff with them before – even though I’ve known them for what seems like forever (jr. high school).
My mood is ‘blah,’ so hopefully this blog doesn’t seem ‘blah.’ Lol
I’ve been invited by all parties (Alex, V, Six) to come along next time Six’s visiting V. I’d like that, if I don’t have too much crap to do in three weeks, or whenever he’s going back. I’ll take more with me to do next time, too, school-work-wise.
Bed time.
Six picked me up at 1:30pm on Friday. I only had one class on Friday, and it ended at 12:45, so I had just enough time talk to the prof, get home, finish getting ready and jump in his car. The ride there was perfect. We listened to his CD, which only had, like, 14 songs on it, most of which I don’t even really like that much. Fleetwood Mac, and other mostly 80’s tunes. Don’t hate them though, and I have a high tolerance for music that I don’t like, so it was cool. We talked about lots of random things, like the state of the highway, and provincial politics, and random guys we both know at home, and the state of his relationship with Vince, which is bright. I hadn’t met Vince at this point. My opinion of him was framed by what Six had told me, and what Alex had told me, and what I’d gathered from chatting to him myself. Mostly positive.
Ok I wanted to just write all about the weekend, but I want to get this out first.
This is going to be kind of a Free-Write, just typing whatever I’m feeling, but I’ll try to be coherent:
I feel a whole bunch of things all at once tonight. Reminds me of how I felt after visiting Alex the last time, though that was about 2 years ago.
I’m tired, first of all, which probably has a larger influence over how I’m feeling than I think.
I’m sad I don’t have a boyfriend. Sad is a bit of a simplistic way to phrase it though. Sad/frustrated/angry/envious/bitter/drained is a better combo of words to describe the feeling.
I’m angry at myself for not choosing a path years back that would’ve put me in a different place right now, both in terms of coming out sooner, and dating, and maybe being with someone right now.
I’m jealous of both Six and Vince for being together, and having each other, and being so happy with one another.
I’m happy for them, too.
I’m frustrated because this whole dissatisfaction with my life is pointless right now, because it seems that there’s no one here, in this whole town, at my school, anywhere nearby, who I would want to date, and even if I found someone, I’m going to Europe in seven months and I’m going to be there for a year. So if I found someone now, I’d just have to leave them.
Casual hook-ups don’t cut it.
All of my gay friends are either living somewhere else, or I never see them on a regular basis.
When I think about how I’m so unconfident in coming out, I think about how much fear I have. Fear of what people will think, what that’ll mean for me day to day, and how that’s influenced how I behave in terms of dating (or not-dating, to be specific). There’s also dissatisfaction with my physical appearance, which has to factor in. Lack of confidence. It’s so weird. I love public speaking. I’m popular with my friends. I have awesome grades. I’ve been accepted to law school. I have a supportive, loving family. Big wardrobe, a laptop, the car whenever I want it, whatever. Life is GOOD. But here I am in a big funk.
I know it’s totally momentary, though. I am generally a very sunny, optimistic, happy person. But I think when this aspect of my life gets shoved in my face I am forced to see how much it doesn’t measure up to what I want it to be. A lot of the rest of my life does, but not this. And how do I usually deal? I ignore it. I busy myself with all the other crap in my life, and there’s a lot of it. So much that it can almost completely block out the frustration. Is this a healthy way to cope? I say yes, and rationalize it by saying it’s a practical way of coping. I am going to Europe after all, and then law school, away. No need to get tied down now. Wouldn’t be practical. And I have a very busy life. Relationships take energy and commitment and time. I’m never sure whether these are rationalizations or actual good reasons.
Anyway. (I have a feeling that a lot of the rest of this is going to be just a report of what I did). So Six and I drove up, he drove. It was fun. Alex unfortunately had to drive his brother to the airport so couldn’t meet up with us when we arrived. The arrangement was for me to stay with Alex, and Six to stay with Vince, in his room in res. So I got to meet Vince when we arrived just after dark. He was shorter than I’d expected. Cuter, somehow. I’d seen pics of him, but still. More talkative than I’d expected. Nice, funny, smart. He’s in education, going to be a teacher. He seems tolerant. Which is good if he’s with Six. We went out to eat. It was a really nice meal. I was liking Vince way more than I’d expected to. Stopped at the liquor store to stock up for Saturday night, bumped into an old friend. Then back to res. Me and V went up to visit a mutual friend of ours upstairs. Played guitar hero – mutual friend was amazing, and you’d never expect her to be. I don’t know if V’s told her he’s gay, though she doubtless knows anyway. Back to V’s room because Alex had called and said he was on his way. Both Alex and Six had expressed some anxiety about meeting each other. Mostly because V and Alex used to date, if only for a month. But it was fine, they met, it went well. Six had gotten a bit drunk, but not too much. Alex and I left them to their fun (I’d stepped out of the bathroom one time to find them making out on the bed – I thought it was cute – they stopped right away), and we said we’d all see each other the next day.
Back to Alex’s. He had his brothers van which is old and stinky and hilarious because everything tends to break. Or has already broken. Met people at Alex’s place, some of whom I’d met the last time I was down. Alex had insisted on giving me his bed. He’s a sweety. Definitely the most selfless person I know, in so many ways. He introduced me to World of Warcraft. It seemed pretty fun. I used to play video games and computer games a lot more, but haven’t much the last few years. It was nice to just lose myself in the game for a bit. Bed by 2-something.
Next day started off lazily. Slept in till 10-something. Most of the day was spent either playing WoW, or writing a speech for Comm class, figuring out that I couldn’t do anything with the thesis data I had because I needed more data that I hadn’t brought with me, emailing my sister asking her to send it to me, facebooking with Alex, talking to his roommates (only a little though), and msging V and Six to see when they wanted to hang out. Oh, and Alex showed me a few cartoons that he liked (he’s recently gotten into Anime… I’m not a huge fan, but I’m not bored by it, so it was cool).
Alex decided to join V and Six and I for food at a restaurant, after some convincing, but not to eat. Which was different. I think it’s because of money issues, but also just that Alex was feeling more anxiety about hanging out with Six and V together. I had a nice time, still enjoying V (he and I did almost all of the talking during the meal). Six and Alex almost didn’t talk at all, it was awkward. Alex and I went back to his place, and he said he felt SO bad about the meal, that it was his fault it was awkward, that he didn’t know how to interact with Six, that them being together was just too much for him right now (he did have a pretty big thing for V, but I thought he was mostly over it at that point). I tried to tell him that sometimes awkwardness just happens and that he shouldn’t read into it that much. He’d hardly had a chance to get to know Six really. But he was almost ready to decide to back off on his friendships with both of them. Anyway, then we went and picked them up and drove them back to Alex’s, where everyone was gathering to drink. There were maybe… 15-20 people there that night. Anyway, once we all started drinking, as I’d thought would happen, stress sort of just went away. We’re all generally nice, funny, friendly people, so naturally everyone would get along, once you just get that social lubricant in there, alcohol. All was well. One thing that also helped, oddly enough, was that Six smokes. Really my only close friend who does. He would occasionally go out onto the back step to have a cigarette, and since V hates that he smokes, he would never join him. So, the first time this happened, I went out and talked to Six, cuz I hadn’t really had a chance to talk to him one on one since the car ride. Just wanted to check to see how things were going with V. They were going great. I was(am) SO happy for him. Six has been hurt by guys in the past, and it’s nice to see him with a guy like V. Six also said a week or two ago that my approval of the guy he was dating meant a lot to him, and I certainly liked V. It was nice. Anyway, so the fact that he was out smoking on the patio meant that Alex then also had a chance to interact with him without V being there, which I think contributed to the anxiety. So it was great! It was me and Six, then me and Six and Alex, V stepped out once to be mad at Six that he was smoking, and then I decided to leave Alex and Six alone out there because they were getting along so well! It was nice. The rest of the night consisted of MarioCart64, painting a beer logo on the wall, taking lots of awesome random pictures, laying around in Alex’s bedroom talking and laughing and pushing, listening to music, alternately what Alex liked and Six hated (Feist), and then vice versa (Fleetwood Mac), plus lots of other stuff. Also, searching for Six’s camera once we lost it, talking more to Six whenever he went outside to smoke, watching Little Britain (which I’m still not a huge fan of, though parts of it are funny.. “Computer says no...” lol) on YouTube, and finally finding Six’s camera. We never did get a group shot unfortunately. V and Six decided to leave around 11-something. I stopped drinking then, and talked to Alex for a while, and then played WoW till 3am. Couldn’t sleep because the party didn’t end till 4-something, when Alex went upstairs and made those still up turn off the music.
Next day was today, doesn’t feel like it though. Lounging at Alex’s, playing WoW (for the record, I’m now a level 10 Blood Elf Mage – fun game. Huge.) searching for my hat. Got up at 11-something, left at 2:30pm. Never got to say goodbye to V, so I sent him an email once I got home. Drive home was a little quieter, we talked a bit more seriously about stuff. The future, dating, guys, V in particular but others and also more generally, the complexities of gay relationships, including homophobic families, coming out, but other stuff too like music and skiing and food and how we plan on moving away. Though I think Six would be happier staying here than I would. Music was similar, but way more diverse, V having made Six a mixed CD with, like, 160 songs on it or something. Six loves it.
So overall it was a fun weekend. I had a ball at Alex’s last night. But the whole trip gave me stuff to think about. Or, it gave me a lot of stuff I’m going to probably stop thinking about soon, because I have so much work to do on my thesis, plus everything else. I’ll tell Rachel and Shannon about the trip first chance I get. Maybe even go into some of what I’m feeling? That would be new. Haven’t really discussed this kind of stuff with them before – even though I’ve known them for what seems like forever (jr. high school).
My mood is ‘blah,’ so hopefully this blog doesn’t seem ‘blah.’ Lol
I’ve been invited by all parties (Alex, V, Six) to come along next time Six’s visiting V. I’d like that, if I don’t have too much crap to do in three weeks, or whenever he’s going back. I’ll take more with me to do next time, too, school-work-wise.
Bed time.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Back to School
I had an awesome break. SO relaxing. So lazy. So lazy it makes me feel guilty actually. I didn’t get into the lab ONCE. And I’d really led my supervisor to believe I’d be in a whole bunch once exams were through… ugh. School’s back on now, since yesterday. Thankfully my guilt has led to extreme productivity since Monday morning, so I’ve spent about 8 or 9 hours in the lab and I’ve gotten a lot done. Hardly makes up for doing NOTHING over the break, but still, it’s a start. My supervisor, P, is delightful. I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for her, partially why I feel so guilty for not getting into the lab over the break. Also, she gives Christmas presents to the students in her lab! There are just two of us this year, me and Sara. Sara is a huge nerd with little personality, though I still like her, most of the time. I’m fairly outgoing, thankfully, otherwise I don’t think I’d know a thing about her and we’d never have spoken. She’s definitely more outgoing than she was in high school (yes, I’ve known her that long), but she’s still an introvert. Seeing as she’s the uber-nerd, I’m pretty sure she spent her break entirely in the lab, though I’ve yet to ask her. Probably got an enormous amount of work done. Ugh. Anyway, I was unprepared for the gift thing from P last year, but this year, I was ready, and got something for her. I haven’t actually seen P at all since I finished correcting exams for her right after I finished writing mine around the 18th. When I went into the lab yesterday, there on stools, were two gift bags with shiny tissue paper coming out the top, with cards perched on each of them labelled “Robert” and “Sara.” I left P’s gift bag on her desk chair. I hope she likes it!
New Years was quite fun. Rachel and me went to a Chinese food place with about 10 friends, then to a house party, and then to a friend’s family party at a rented out community hall. It was so fun! Kind of reminded me of the big family things I used to go to when I was younger, people of all ages in attendance, but mostly early 20-somethings like me. Played drinking games (but not to any extreme), talked, laughed, smoked a cigar, took crazy pictures, and danced. It was great.
The next day (thankfully I hadn’t opted to go to the next house party, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get up in the morning I’m sure) Mom woke me around 9am and said we were going to Halifax. Halifax is the regional urban hub of Eastern Canada and hence has the best shopping. Beth, my sister, had to stay home to do school work, a distance poli-sci course she hates, and Dad decided to stay home with her, so it was just me and Mom leaving. We had a really nice little trip! Left on a Tuesday, got to visit with family that day, the next day we shopped all day, bumped into more family in the mall, had a great time. I love shopping and wish I lived in Halifax. And not just because of the shopping, I’m really more of a city person. Anyway, that night I went to see Enchanted with Alex, a friend of mine. He’s gay, too; we’ve been the best of friends ever since I found him, or vice versa, on some random internet site the summer after high school. That was… 3 and a half years ago. He was the first person I'd ever actually met in real life who I’d first met online. Big step at the time. It’s been purely platonic, he’s a wonderful person, we chat on the phone regularly, I love him to death. Anyway, we went to Chapters, then saw Enchanted, and loved it. It was nice to hang out with him, we don’t get to that often (he goes to another university).
Alex actually just invited me to come and visit him at his school. I could stay in his apartment and everything (he’s got three roommates, but apparently they wouldn’t mind. I’ve met two of them, they’re really nice, so I think it’d be fine). I’d be getting a drive up with Six, another friend of mine, also gay, who’s dating Vince, an ex of Alex’s, but who he’s on good terms with. Vince and Alex go to the same school, so I’d be hitching a ride with Six who’s going to visit Vince. Six lives near me but dropped out of university year before last (he’s supposed to be moving to Ontario to re-start in Sept, but we’ll see if that actually happens. He seems excited, so I hope it does). I don’t often do these weekend away things during the semester, but I think I could afford one now, seeing as school work hasn’t had a chance to get out of control yet, and I am being super productive this week. I work at the library on the weekends, so I’ll have to get my shift changed, but if I can do that then it should be a go. Fun :D
New Years was quite fun. Rachel and me went to a Chinese food place with about 10 friends, then to a house party, and then to a friend’s family party at a rented out community hall. It was so fun! Kind of reminded me of the big family things I used to go to when I was younger, people of all ages in attendance, but mostly early 20-somethings like me. Played drinking games (but not to any extreme), talked, laughed, smoked a cigar, took crazy pictures, and danced. It was great.
The next day (thankfully I hadn’t opted to go to the next house party, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get up in the morning I’m sure) Mom woke me around 9am and said we were going to Halifax. Halifax is the regional urban hub of Eastern Canada and hence has the best shopping. Beth, my sister, had to stay home to do school work, a distance poli-sci course she hates, and Dad decided to stay home with her, so it was just me and Mom leaving. We had a really nice little trip! Left on a Tuesday, got to visit with family that day, the next day we shopped all day, bumped into more family in the mall, had a great time. I love shopping and wish I lived in Halifax. And not just because of the shopping, I’m really more of a city person. Anyway, that night I went to see Enchanted with Alex, a friend of mine. He’s gay, too; we’ve been the best of friends ever since I found him, or vice versa, on some random internet site the summer after high school. That was… 3 and a half years ago. He was the first person I'd ever actually met in real life who I’d first met online. Big step at the time. It’s been purely platonic, he’s a wonderful person, we chat on the phone regularly, I love him to death. Anyway, we went to Chapters, then saw Enchanted, and loved it. It was nice to hang out with him, we don’t get to that often (he goes to another university).
Alex actually just invited me to come and visit him at his school. I could stay in his apartment and everything (he’s got three roommates, but apparently they wouldn’t mind. I’ve met two of them, they’re really nice, so I think it’d be fine). I’d be getting a drive up with Six, another friend of mine, also gay, who’s dating Vince, an ex of Alex’s, but who he’s on good terms with. Vince and Alex go to the same school, so I’d be hitching a ride with Six who’s going to visit Vince. Six lives near me but dropped out of university year before last (he’s supposed to be moving to Ontario to re-start in Sept, but we’ll see if that actually happens. He seems excited, so I hope it does). I don’t often do these weekend away things during the semester, but I think I could afford one now, seeing as school work hasn’t had a chance to get out of control yet, and I am being super productive this week. I work at the library on the weekends, so I’ll have to get my shift changed, but if I can do that then it should be a go. Fun :D
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